New giveaway-- Splendid Low-Carbing: A Complete Guide for Low-Carb Living

As a sneak peek/teaser for the next week, I am beginning a new giveaway immediately.

You can enter to win this wonderful book by National Best-selling author Jennifer Eloff.

Stay tuned for the review of this terrific low-carb cook book and guide to low-carbing this week, and in the interim, check out Jennifer Eloff's site.

To enter, just send an email to cleochatra@gmail.com with a heading titled "Splendid Low-Carbing Giveaway" and your home address (as always, emails are deleted immediately after the contest, and the only address I even bother to look at is the winner's. Your privacy is always protected.)

I will draw the winner next Friday. Good luck!

Netrition Winner! Woohoo!

Out of hundreds of names, yours was picked by nimble teen fingers. I will mail the gift certificate right out to you.

Thanks so much for entering!

Monday Funday!

Tiny Tim no Mo

I can now walk without crutches. What a concept! I no longer have to say things in a falsetto voice, like, "God Bless Us. Eeeeveryoooone!" My husband is just glad I stopped riding around on his shoulder. I looked like the world's largest carnival monkey without the cymbals. Besides, explaining how I managed to fall into a hole and sprain both ankles at the same time was becoming tedious. Boy howdy, though. People locally think it's pretty funny.

Well, they know me. So I guess it's pretty funny!

TOPS weigh-in

I weighed in at TOPS and am only 4 pounds up from my lowest weight of the year--and that's with ankle boots and bloaty bloat. That's pretty sweet! there may be some disappointment that I haven't hit my 100-pound mark yet, but I totally took July and part of June off, and managed to stay steady, so I'm just trying to lose the water weight from the whole foot drama now. I still am going to do my best to get to 150 lost by the end of the year.

We have a contest going right now at TOPS where the team who loses the most weight by Halloween doesn't have to feed people for the partay. I'm all about the lazy, so expect to see some weight dropping from a thigh near you! (That's right--I'd rather work my behind off to lose weight than to serve punch).


Jerky Smirky!

I have some kick-butt recipes for jerky at my Examiner column, so be sure to check it out, if you're missing meat candy for almost no carbs whatsoever.


I'm now International!

My article for Parents Canada Magazine has hit the news stands! I am so excited about it, because now I'm international (well, maybe. Canada is kinda like northern Colorado). I am really fortunate to be able to write for publications, and very much enjoy the challenges from the various editors. All of my editors are the most attractive, and fancy, wonderful people ever to employ me.

And for that, I thank them. (Especially my borg twin whom I love mostest)

But really, I'm pretty humbled by the contacts, and appreciate the offers. It makes me glad I went out and bought a new bra, too. Now I can lift my bosoms along with my spirits.


And now, about you.

What recipes are you guys wanting to see? While I have literally over 100 recipes to still put together, Fall is about to fall and I am in planning mode for a winter of kitchen bliss. So, let me know what foods you miss and I will start planning! I love a challenge, and definitely owe so much to you guys. anything I can do to make your low-carb journey tastier is my mission.

That and not falling into holes.

Am still crippled but I love a netrition giveaway!

These sexy, swollen feet shop at Netrition.com.


So I might be a wobbling bobblehead, but I can still give cool stuff away.

Complements of Tom at my favorite online low-carb store EVAH, you can win a $25 gift certificate to netrition.com!

That's right-- when you're not falling in a hole at school in front of dozens of parents, you, too, can send me an email (cleochatra@gmail.com) with the heading "Netrition Giveaway" with your home address. And next Friday if I don't lose my arms in a horrific bacon-cooking incident, I'll draw your name and make you a customer!

(No worries, friends: If my arms do fall off, I'll just pick your name with my face.

It's very scientific.)

So I fell in this hole...

Hunky hubby found me in the field an hour ago near the house. I was able to avoid the first hole, but I heard two snaps and then I landed on my back. I sprained both ankles pretty badly.

Needless to say, Ow, ow ow ow and wow that smarts. I am thankful I lost 86 pounds or there's no way they could have helped me to the house!

Thank you for a quarter of a million page hits in a little over a year! I am so excited.

Reporting from a flat position and typing with 2 fingers,


Jamie

Do you miss Doritos?

See? It is 10:36 at night and I'm still taking pictures to post for you.

If that's not love coming from me to you, I don't know what is, baby!

Check this for the latest recipe that your crunchy craver will savor. My favorite flavors? Nacho Cheese or Sour Cream and Onion. What will yours be?

Tile Smile Giveaway Winners

Woohoo! Congratulations to our winners! Today, the nimble fingers of a teenage rock star picked these five.

You guys turned out in great numbers to save a hamster. For this, I applaud you.

Winners will be contacted and set up with the tile pendant of their choice. Thank you so much for your support and your readership.

Coke Zero Coupons

A reader emailed me your address. Can you please re-send?

Remember, I'm Horoscopically Blonde.


How are you guys doing anyway? I am doing superb! Work isn't easy, but I love it! I live on iced tea and beef jerky. It's the best stuff ever.

I gained a few pounds over the vacation, but am rapidly whittling that away and mpoving towards my low for the year. I'm sticking to plan this year to make this a 150-loss for the year!

Are you with me?!

I can't hear you!

I have some recipes coming, including beef jerky which totally rocks my socks. This stuff is addicting, and with no sugar, it's also low-low-low carb. It's meat candy, people!

Get a job...

Well, I didn't get a haircut but I have a job (as of yesterday) working locally for a company doing administrative assistant work. I am pretty excited about it, but it will limit my blogging and columning time to a degree.

Welcome to the corporate world!

I bought pantyhose, a girdle, got lost in traffic and almost fell into a corporate toilet. It was very chic.

Smack Talking with the Philosophers, 2008

This is a re-run from last year. One of my favorites, I hope you'll enjoy some of the newer philosophical additions.

Ah, school! With the commencement of another educational year, there is, as well, the usual ensuing taunting behavior we sometimes see on the playgrounds and hear in cafeterias and hallways. That is sometimes where the real education is, the joys of elaborating unto other pupils the ways of "your mama". With this said, and knowing that even the famous folks were once kids with the same propensities kids have towards heckling one another, I've sometimes wondered what 'dozens' might have sounded like had some of our greatest minds committed to some heavy 'matronly' disrespect.

Here are just a few of the commentaries that might have taken place among some of the world's best-known philosophic minds.

Descartes: I asked your daddy if your mama was good looking, and he said, "I think not." And he disappeared! So you don't even have a daddy. But everybody's had your mama.

Freud: Tell me about your mama.

Sartre: Your mama died. In a café. At night. In the rain.

Camus: Sisyphus said, "I thought I was going to have to push this rock up a hill forever. And then I found out it was your mama."

Nietzsche: Your mama is dead.

Schrödinger: I shut the box and opened it again. And there was your mama!

Locke: In a natural state, your mama is so dumb, she tried to set the tabula rasa with Chinette.

Rousseau: In man's natural state, man is neither inherently good nor inherently bad. But then he saw your mama and decided inherently ugly.

Jefferson: That we are endowed with life, liberty and the pursuit of your mama.

Hume: She is ugly; therefore she is your mama.

Kant: She is your mama; therefore, she is ugly.

Hegel: Your mama is so fat she broke the dialectical cycle.

Plato: Your mama is so fat that when she sits around the cave, she eats the shadows.

Machiavelli: Your mama is so old she owes the Prince a buck.

Thoreau: I refuse to talk about your mama.

Kierkegaard: To have faith is to have doubt. So to have faith in God means you have to have some doubt that God exists. And that may be so, because I've seen your mama.

When the student is ready, the master appears. When your mama appears, she's always ready. ~Buddhist Proverb

Edison: I believe that the science of chemistry alone almost proves the existence of an intelligent creator. That's because there's no other way to explain anyone having chemistry with yo mama

Copernicus: The Earth revolves around the sun, but yo mama is so fat that she bent over and blocked it out.

Marx: Your mama was poor.

Ayn Rand: Man - all of mankind - is an end in himself, not the means to the ends of others. But your mama is so fat, this means she never ends.

Voltaire: If God didn't exist, man would invent him. That's because we've seen your mama.

Bacon: Knowledge is power. But the only power your mama has is in her armpits.

Schopenhauer: Denial of the will is attained by:
1. Knowing such great grief through experience that the will to live is gone;
2. Knowing that through the experiences of others people, life is tragedy; or
3. Knowing your mama.

William James: When something is aesthetically beautiful we notice, speaking most simply and purely, there is enjoyment through lines, shapes masses, combinations of shades and colors, auditory response, the overall result is sensational, an overwhelming being in that which is visual and is essential, and not because of other secondary senses which might be brought forth in the same moment...

...Unless it's your mama.

Because your mama's just ugly

What the heck was that? Digg spams my readers' mailboxes

I was not happy when I received what looked like a generic email of digg activity to my subscribers (and myself).

I have no idea what happened, but I'm going to try and figure it out.

You should not be receiving Digg emails for this blog.

My apologies for the inconvenience, and rest assured that I'll see that it doesn't happen again.

Friday Giveaway! A little tile to make you smile

Designs by Appletree delights in keeping people on their proverbial toes. Using reclaimed Scrabble tiles and sealed with acrylic, a sense of humor and a flair for fun, designs run as wild only as Kimberly's imagination (or yours, since she can custom-design a tile just for you).

Designed exclusively for my readers, Kimberly, owner of Designs, has branched out her selection to include low-carb offerings with bite and a smile.

She is also graciously offering 5 pendants to readers.

Says Kimberly, "This pendant is made from a reclaimed Scrabble tile and a graphic image. Scrabble Pendants are approximately .75" square (1.905) and hang from a sterling silver bail. The bail has a 6mm opening to accommodate your favorite cord or necklace.

This listing is for the pendant only, but I have Silk Cord, Organza Ribbon, and Ball Chain Necklaces available in my shop.

The pendant is sealed with a non-toxic acrylic that gives the pendant a brilliant shine. The pendant is not waterproof, so you should remove it before bathing. All metal components are sterling silver or sterling plate."

Would you like to win one? Just email me at cleochatra@gmail.com with the title "Tile Smile Giveaway", and your home address. Next Friday, I will pick 5 winners. You have your choice of tile from any in her shop (predesigned. No customs here, please), but come on: Who doesn't want to save a hamster?

Want to see my racks?

You sickos! What did you think I meant?

This just goes to show that I shouldn't send out these blog entries in full form in emails. You guys would think I'd totally gone off my nut.

What a lark that would be!

Friends have asked to see my kitchen and how the mind of a type-A, anxious personality spends her time. Well, you sillies, I organize my spice racks. Largely alphabetically.

As you can see, I have an inordinate amount of flavorings, and those are just two of the lazy susans. I have more! More! Much, much more! Muaaahahaha!

Whoa. I was channeling my Ron Popeil there.

*puts down the spray-on hair*

I was answering comments, but blogger was down for maintenance, and I didn't realize until I hit "send". That is not cool. How dare those cretins upgrade software while I am waxing prolific (not that I wax, mind you).

Paging Jan J!! and other stuff...

When good mail clerks go bad

Jan. Guess what! That cook book I sent to you is somewhere in the small intestines of Augusta, Georgia.

It's never a good sign when the USPS sends an envelope containing the empty envelope I sent a week before with a real, live book in it.

What's left is reminiscent of a hungry mail clerk eating right through the envelope and taking the book you won with it.

While fiber is a good thing and gas prices have impacted even the USPS, I would prefer they didn't eat the items I try to ship to my readers.

As a result, could you please email me? The USPS can't take our email away and digest it like so many hopes and dreams in the forms of *sob* cook books!



Flighty Attendant

I am so having one of those evenings.

I'm not doing what I ought to be doing, even though I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing. It just goes with the territory.

So I float with my head in the dandelion fluff of thought and hope I'll land somewhere meaningful and take root.


Boy-o-boy Disclosure

You'll notice I haven't updated my weight in awhile. This is for a reason: I've been off-plan for the last month and am now getting back to brass tacks. See? I'm absolutely honest with you, and make no bones about it. I know! Aren't I special? I can't be a fibber. I'm too lazy to keep track of lies, and too spacy to keep them straight. I prefer honesty. Don't you?

I don't have any regrets about being off-plan, per se; it's what life does to you sometimes. I'm looking forward to feeling more on top of my game as I enter back into ketosis, with better mental clarity and --wait. Who laughed?

Someone laughed when I said 'mental clarity'. Was that you?

You're a tough crowd.


On lacking inspiration and maturity occasionally. Stop laughing.

So, writing for Examiner is going well, and I apptreciate your support! I have the best readers of any columnist online! It's why I pay you--what? What do you mean I don't pay you? I DO! Now I think the USPS ate the checks.

Let me know what you'd like to see more of. As I promised, I'm keeping both sites separate so as to not make this simply a mirror site. At the same time, the hardest thing for me is the constantly obsessing over what I think people might want to know next. I go to bed with Examiner in my head and wake up with a headache and a frantic desire to do my best. It's hard for me not to give something my all. So what happens in the meantime? I neglect this blog and the place I have a great time visiting with you.

I mean, the column is the bomb. I love it and am blessed to be paid to write. And my bosses and friend-writers? I am truly lucky and fortunate! At the same time, I can't make anyone mad. N0 nipple talk and it should be more serious. I'm like, how can I be serious unless I mention the occasional wardrobe malfunction? I might asplode from the seriousness. Then I'm reminded I'm a professional now, so I eat a piece of beef jerky and think some more about how to be clever and acceptable socially. (And try not to asplode)

I'm not feeling it this week, but I'm trying my best to channel my inner adult. The problem is, it's making armpit noises in my general direction. I promise I'll try harder. I suppose.


Cool News about my mad parenting skillz

Oh! did I tell yous guys that I'm now a writer for Parents Canada Magazine? Don't look so scared!

It is a beautiful, well-written magazine (and I'm a sucker for white space, and this layout has it going on), and I am so honored to be a writer for them now. My article on getting kids ready for school will be coming out in the next month. If you're in Canada, look for it! If you're not, then cross the border to buy one. If the border guards try to give you a rectal cavity search, repeat after me, "You can't do that to me. I'm an American!"

It works every time. Or so I'm told.

And then there's other places...

I've also been picked up by another online media outlet to write current events pieces. You'd think I'd be better about this stuff, seeing as I read the Superficial and other heady, intellectual stuff. Like Perez Hilton. I love my editor and am so lucky to have another writing gig. I usually always have something to say. but... I'm just not feeling it. Aren't I rotten? I love to write, but I like helping people and giving information without sounding like I'm anal or an authoritah. Giving my opinion in a sea of opinions for money seems lame. It's not even my best writing! I hate it when I don't think I'm putting my best out there. And when I do, it's too funny. Me? Too funny?

Dang my funny-ness Stuff!

I'll keep trying, but I needed a breather to evaluate who I am and what I really want to say. If I'm not proud of the content, what's the point? And if it's not helpful, what's the motivation?

I mean, it's a good thing I pay you guys to... what? I'm not paying you guys to read this? OMGoth!


On to the good stuff

I have a lot of recipes coming, a netrition gift card good for their store, and more cook book and book reviews and a few giveaways! That's a heap of stuff.

Do you miss spaghetti? I have spaghetti for you.

Miss lasagna the way you used to have it? I have that for you too.

Miss ravioli? I have ravioli for you.

Miss me? I'll be around more. Promise. Even if I'm not paying you to read this stuff.

You guys are the reason I even decided to write for Examiner in the first place; and I haven't been fabulous about writing here lately. And, to be honest, I've missed this. I've missed you.

It's easy to become overwhelmed by some things, especially when I start forgetting the point of it; or when the point is lost in page layouts and text colors, research and page links and not being with my homies. Or feeling helpful. Or wondering what I'm doing. What am I doing?

I'm a book-lover looking at a room lined with books and not seeing the possibilities and the promise in a comfortable, deep leather chair by the fire, inhaling the pages of thousands of potential adventures. I'm merely skimming the indexes and sniffing through tomes for tidbits on an unyielding wooden chair in between moments of clarity and meandering cluelessly through a maze of chaos.

I miss you guys. So I'm going to make the effort to visit you more often before I attempt to work. Or sleep. Or shower. *sniff* Because you're my pals, my family and my friends.

And because you can't smell my armpits when I don't shower, and you don't ask my why I shave my legs with the pet groomer. Like my neighbors.

Dude, I meant to be more ee cummings and turned all James Joyce.

So! On to the better days ahead as we move towards fall and positive habits! I want to know how you are doing in your weight loss journeys. Drop me a line or a comment and brag on your sweet self. I want to celebrate with you, and you deserve that much for reading the novel I just wrote. Who let me out of the qwerty rehab center anyway?