Cookbook Giveaway!

I just published a cook book review for those of you out there following a moderate-carb (or higher-carb) plan, or who follow the American Diabetic Diet exchanges as your lifestyle.

Thanks to the readers who are so delicious they should be in a bakery window, the link now actually works to the review (I know--concept).
After you read the review, come on back. (And while you're there subscribe. Why not! It'll make your hair shiny or something*)

*humming and making finger shadows on the wall*

OK. You back?

The Editors of that glorious cook book are generously offering my readers two copies!

To enter, just send me an email titled “Healthy Carb Diabetes CookbookGiveaway” in the subject line with your name and home address to cleochatra@gmail.com and I’ll pick the winners next Friday (July 11)! As always, I delete your name, address and all personal information as soon as the name is drawn and the prize is sent. Your privacy is very important to me. :)

Do you have a cook book you'd like me to review? A service or product to share which would be of interest to people eating wholesome, healthy foods? If so, please email me and let me know!


*disclaimer: subscribing to national columns doesn't make your hair shiny. I just said that. Please consult with your doctor before embarking on shiny hair routines. On approved financing, OAC, and only good on hair that may or may not be in stock. Bald people are beautiful, too.

The Face of a Low-Carb 4th of July

Absolutely gluten-free, low-carb and wanting to jump into your bellah, here it is, friends! The 4th of July meal to end all cravings for stuff you never thought you even craved. No more sitting by the wayside while others enjoy their lunches. This is for you!

Front: Loaded chili dog*on an oopsie hotdog bun*, fresh pickled relish**, sauerkraut, shredded cheese.

Behind, right: Fruit Pizza*

Top: Chili *

Top left: Old-Fashioned Potatoless Salad**


* Will be at Examiner Monday and Tuesday
**Recipes already at examiner.com

Fresh Dill Relish Recipe now Up

That's right! I was getting angsty not being able to find a fresh dill pickle relish. When life hands you angst, make your own gee-darned relish, I say. You can find it here.

New Recipe: Potato Salad for Your Picnic

I decided I needed to expand cauliflower's horizons beyond it's being my pizza ho, so I put together a better than old-fashioned Potato Salad.

It's good stuff, Maynard, and it's very low-carb, with each 1/2 cup serving at only 3 net carbs and 237 calories (hey, kids. This is mayonnaise bliss we're talking).

Check this beauty out at Examiner.com. More recipes are on the way for your Independence Day pleasure. And they're new.

The First Four Days of Induction: Love and Hate

If your low-carb plan is low enough in carbs, the first 2-4 days are going to be the worst. By the end of day 3 or 4, you're generally golden.

Induction flu usually causes dizziness, headaches, nausea, cravings (fun combo), foggy-brain, and abnormally lethargy. This is due to the body moving from burning carbs for fuel to burning fat. As well, the body is de-toxing.

In short, it's like being Amy Winehouse, minus the boobie tattoos.


The first three days are a nightmare.

Day 1: (all day) OMG! It's a Twinkie! It's. Not. Moving! I must have it-oh nonononoono! I can't have it. Will. drink. water... Why. am. I talking like. William Shatner.

Day 2: (morning) OK. Who is spinning the room? And why did I just try to dial in AM radio on my toaster?

3 pm that day: OMG! It's the same Twinkie! It's. Still. There! TwinkieTwinkieTwinkie! I'm kissing the wrappper. I won't eat it. La la laaaa. OK, Twinkie. No Twinkie. *sniff* Must. Fight. Twinkie...

Day 3: (morning) TWINKIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Nom nom nom I'm not the Cookie Monster. Not. Cookie. Monster. OK. OK, I can do this. Focus. Bacon. Bacon is my Twinkie. Yes. Hostess Bacon. BACON! NOM NOM NOM!

(afternoon) I am just going to lick the Twinkie. Yeah! That's it! No! No! That's not it. I made it two days so far. The last time I made anything two days in a row, it was those cool leg warmers on my Ronco Knit-O-Matic. Must. Resist.

Day 4. Whoa Nelly! I'm down 5 pounds, feel clear-headed and I haven't woken up in the gutter with a brown bag filled with Twinkies and the tell-tale yellow crumbs on my breath. I am HE-Yaled! I can walk! I--I--I can DANCE! YAY-ES! *Stomps on Twinkie*

Day 5 through the rest of your life: Suck it, food pyramid!


So, my friends, even though it's a wanker, stick with it. What is 72 hours? You can spend craving-time napping, exercising (gently) or doing something fun that has nothing to do with bagged yellow sponge cakes.

Keep hydrated, eat even when you don't want to, and be kind to yourself. We're all in this journey together.

Iowa Floods in Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy

It Takes a Spillage

The great flood of 2008 in Iowa sent tumultuous and non-filtered waters through many large cities. As the banks of several rivers spilled itself like DNA over a blue dress, homes, lives, and many cultural attractions were destroyed. The devastating natural disaster cost thousands of jobs and has injured the economy, damaging attractions such as with the world's Biggest Cheeto, more notably now a DayGlo, soggy puddle of lost tourist revenue.

Celebrities have come forward to help save pieces of Iowan history. Upon finding out the rotating ear attraction was endangered, famous boxer Mike Tyson was said to have become very excitable not realizing that it was an homage to corn.

Stifled Exports

Now on the banks of seven states, Lake Iowa, formerly 55,869 square miles of land drier than Nancy Pelosi's knock-knock jokes, now consists of roughly only 14,392 sq miles of dirt and myriad pissed off livestock. Known for its corn production and being a nation leader in pork products, many pigs who couldn't fly, and with an inability to perform a proper butterfly stroke, have been outfitted by the National Guard with 50-gallon drums to keep them afloat. While media outlets have questioned the sudden pork barrel spending, Iowa governor Chet Culver says the ominous lack of Pork Chops on a Stick at the next state fair would be unconscionable.

Impending energy crises are now of noted concern as well. Iowa, which provides the largest amount of ethanol in the nation, may temporarily be forced to halt production for environmental safety reasons, leaving all 38 friends of Leonardo DiCaprio who own hybrids without fuel.

Long in the hotbed of debate for various decades due to a popular breakfast cereal, Iowa's lacking in corn has created a new episode in an old war. While Ohio claims the rice side of the Crispix is the crispiest, Iowans have long argued that the corn side is, in fact, the best side of the cereal. Now that Iowa is largely underwater, Ohio is claiming victory and is asking for reparations. Iowa says it will not bow down due to cereal killers.

Election Consequences

An ominous question remains regarding curious comments overheard from an unnamed source in the camp of Hillary Clinton, who conceded the Primaries to Democratic candidate Barack Obama in a June press conference.

Clinton aides are issuing no word today regarding whether or not torrential rains, unusual for the mid-west, are, in fact, a ploy to come back from the ended campaign trail. The one-time Democratic Presidential hopeful's surprising loss in that state was slimmer than an Olsen twin.

Iowa, the first and notably most important caucus in the United States during any Presidential Primary cycle, has been hosting since 1848, when Zachary Taylor (noted for dying after complaining of thirst) was nominated as the first-ever delegate from that state to become the 12 th President of the United States. More recently, Obama's upset in Iowa state procured delegates for his campaign, clinching that territory, an important national first-look at predicting the candidate for the party come the November elections.

The 2007 census of 2,988,046 Iowans decreased greatly within the last week, it was reasoned, with more than half of its long-time residents floating down the Mississippi River and ending up in the Gulf of Mexico where they are currently being detained for being the whitest illegal aliens ever trying to escape across the border backwards.

With so few left in Iowa now, the Clinton campaign has sternly called Mulligans on the caucus in a press conference, stating that since the population has changed drastically. Four of the delegates who supported Obama floated downstream-enough to swing the pivotal state in back towards Clinton's favor.

Either way, it is doubtful that the levee rage will affect Obama's candidacy.

Political Presence

Political pundits haven't been without their presence in the soggy state of affairs. John McCain has visited Iowa as part of his good will tour across America, in jockeying his position as Presidential nominee for the GOP, but the crisis there, while devastating to its population, has hardly wrinkled the consciousness of a nation in the throes of Top Chef finale.

Some claim that the disinterest in Iowa stems from several sources. Maybe the noted lack of general concern for Iowa's current plight has to do with many Americans' ability to not locate Iowa on a map. It was stated that Ms. Teen South Carolina's fervent and well-articulated hopes to provide maps for all "such as U.S. Americans" might again be revisited.

When asked in a current press conference regarding more aides being sent to Iowa, President Bush chuckled and stated he didn't think flooding would increase unsafe sex. Of the mass destruction in Iowa, President Bush stated firmly, "We'll get stay in the Middle East until the job is done."

Howard Dean declared a small victory in the destruction, noting that Iowa is, once again, a blue state.

Going Kung Fu Hustle on Studies

Particularly, this study.

That's right. I don't sit here and take the nitrogenous bovine waste coming down the pike and put up with misleading information, especially when the ridiculousness is so big it can't even hide under Jabba the Hut's manboobies.

Endocrinologists are a great group of folks, but you have to start wondering if Special K is funding their conferences and providing them with little boxes of blood sugar rusheeoos in the morning with their banana halves and their low-fat, high fructose corn syrup yogurts.

Now, the study's lead makes a true observation: that the more full you are, the less hungry you are. (He's the brains behind the thing, you see.)

The study uses a control group of 94 overweight women who are inactive and placed them in two groups:

1: A low-carb group where people were given BREAD and their protein was limited
2. A higher-carb group where people were given bread and more carbs (they never tell us what kind) and their protein is almost doubled as opposed to the low-carb group (seeing an issue already?)

For beginners, let's talk about the number of calories the 'low-carbers' eating the processed crap were given: scantly over 1,000 calories with processed foods and sticking to under 17 carbohydrates (we still don't know if these were net carbs or not).

It sounds like a possible frankenfoods nightmare. How do we know the low-carbers aren't also having diet shakes and sugar free candies? We don't. Why? Because menus are conveniently not provided. How do we know the higher-carb dieters (only 58 carbs is nothing. A lot of folks still lose weight on this) aren't eating berries and other low GI foods?

The high-carb dieters were not only alloted more calories per day, but their meals were progressively smaller as the day wore on, which, I might add, is a key in high-carb dieting weight loss-- larger meals in the morning and smaller at night.

Did you note the extremely high amount of protein in the diets of the high-carbers as opposed to the low-carbers?

The low-carb group is continuously being said to be the small breakfast group, when it is known:

a. that those who employ proteins and fats in fact eat less because of the self-limiting nature of those foods; and

b. that being forced to eat bread, cereal and fruit with these foods actually has the opposite effect on the blood sugar, causing spikes throughout the day, if enough is forced at breakfast (and we don't really know because the information is vague).

There has been a very recent study showing that those people eating a higher protein breakfast are generally less hungry throughout the day. So if the protein amounts are doubled for the 'big breakfast' (higher carb) crowd, and their calorie allotments are vastly higher for breakfast, should the assertion be that a breakfast higher in protein is actually the key to less hunger overall?

I mean seriously.

Who funds these studies, and who are the numpties putting together these skewed plans minus relevant information that people are going to lick up live bellybutton lint on caviar?

This is ridiculous. You might as well say that anorexics gain weight because they don't eat big breakfasts. Or that Amy Winehouse's crack binges should have caused weight gain because she didn't eat her allotted 'big breakfast'.

If I am going to take this study seriously, I want menus. I want to know why the higher-carb group was allotted twice the amount of protein as the low-carb group. I want to know why the instructions were skewed so as to cause the lower-carb group to fail. I want to know which company funded this study.

The evidence of that so-called study is tenuous at best, and thus earns my "Suck It" award for this Thursday, June 26, 2008.

Sorry for the typos. I was so ticked I schmootzed vowels everywhere.

A Non Low-Carbers Asks...

"Why do you follow a low-carb regimen?"

My Father was an Atkineer back in the early 80's when he broke his back and still managed to lose 80 pounds in 6 months.

I began down a road of low-carb eating then at the age of 14. Without trying, I actually became too thin, and forced myself to regain some of the weight. Still, with children and marriage and moves due to my sweet babboo's career, weight losses and gains put me at a staggering 350 pounds at the beginning of this year. My children were worried, and my doctor had his hands on his hips. So, on January 1st of this year, I rededicated myself to healthy, whole-foods eating. I dropped 50 pounds in about the first 10 weeks of 2008. Then through some stalls and missteps, I've still managed to lose 30 more pounds, to a total of 80 for the year. I'm excited to see what the next 6 months will bring.

I know that many are skeptical of low-carb diets, and totally understand that there are many who mis-use the plan for weight loss (eating the bars and shakes instead of finding healthy alternatives) or who eat scrambled eggs everyday and eschew the importance of vegetables as phytonutrients. For me, to be able to eat what I would like to through creating foods with healthy ingredients is a great amount of fun, and is also healthy for my family.

I believe with all my heart that the low-carb way of eating worksas well, when the body is depleted of carbohydrates, for fuel it turns to the fat stores in the body. A meaningful state of lipolysis has helped me drop from a woman's 6X to a woman's 2X in pretty short order. I have regained my mental clarity, feel energetic, my depression is gone, and my blood pressure has stabilized. My doctor-- who's seen me recently for the first time since last year for a bad back-- almost dropped his clipboard. He tells me I've lost over 90 pounds (at the time I'd lost roughly 80, so I might have weighed even more than I'd realized!), and rubbed his chin a lot during the appointment. That, coupled with a perfect blood pressure was worth the trip (the pain meds for my back didn't hurt, either).

Speaking to hunger, because a low-carb plan keeps hunger at bay, where I was a binger on a higher-carb plan (I ate literally thousands of calories a day and could not stop), I have a difficult time overeating on a low-carb one. The foods are filling and have staying power due to the moderate amounts of fats and proteins. I don't deny myself lasagna when I want it because I've put together a fantastic, 'legal' one that works for many gluten-free low-carb eaters. If I want mozzarella sticks, I make them. Pizza, waffles, you name it. And I'm in the kitchen constantly trying something new (which is why I was so excited and envious that you were able to see the BHG test kitchens). While following WW online, I ate to plan, was hungry all of the time and very moody. I lost 25 pounds in 3 months following WW. Following a low-carb plan, I lost 55 pounds in 3 months without hunger. (I totally accept that not all plans work for all people)

Low-carbohydrate eating is a very fun, rewarding and healthy lifestyle when good foods are employed as a means to this end. I show people what I enjoy on the food pyramid and suddenly they're seeing that I'm not really eating all that differently from them. I double their vegetable intakes, double healthy proteins, quadruple heart-healthy fats, eat fruits high in anti-oxidants and loaded with vitamin C, and when I want something high in fiber I look to flax seed meal or other low glycemic-load fiber items for 'grain replacement'. (Flax crackers are fantastic and easy to make).

I could seriously go on forever regarding low-carb eating (can you tell?), because it is a passion and something I wholly believe in.

One more thing? In a study, two groups, both eating the same number of calories per day, showed very different results: Low-Carb/higher fat dieters lost 15% more weight than the high-carb/low fat dieters in the same time period. Ketosis/lipolysis has an advantage.

So, I embrace any lifestyle which helps a person shed weight and is one people can follow for a long and healthy life, but my purpose in much of my writing is to share healthy, whole recipes for those not only who follow a low-carbohydrate/gluten-free lifestyle (or even just a gluten-free one), but for those looking to use whole food ingredients (such as the previous recipes for cauliflower crust pizza, which employ vegetables in an almost totally undetectable way) for general better health.

I also want to show others that eating a plan which is lower in processed foods can be exciting, fulfilling and results in some serious weight loss with very little effort. It's difficult to shift in a society where we love chips, cookies and Milk Duds, but because I am doing this for my family as well as myself, I remind myself that the rewards far exceed doing the breast stroke in a vat of Cheetos.

Here's to another 80 pounds gone by the end of the year through eating fun, whole, healthy foods without hunger.

*strikes a Disco pose*

Jamie

Is Your Low-Carb Honeymoon Over?

Starting out is tough enough.

Starting over is harder still. Continuing? Sometimes harder than both starting or rededicating.

The honeymoon and excitement of discovering something new is over. The initial elation of the first few pounds that came off seems like a distant memory. The first time you stepped on the scale and ogled your first amazing and steady stream of losses will never again be quite the same.

Now you’re back to where you started, or you’re partially there, or you're moving forward. Still you might not feel progress is as quick as you'd like. You feel like you can’t do it because you’ve never been able to stick with anything before. I mean, what makes this any different, right? This is just like every other time you either sabotaged yourself or messed something up because you knew you couldn’t make it anyway. Starting over isn’t romantic. The magic of rediscovery seems to be wasted.

You feel like you’ve been through this all before. You glare at the eggs. You don’t even find any humor in taking out the Muenster and ‘cutting the cheese’ when your significant other asks you what you’re doing. The light is gone. You’ve given up.

That’s ok. For now. But keep reading.

Life is a series of choices we make. Some of them are wonderful: having children, not having children, starting that business, writing that book, taking up gardening. Some of them are not the best decisions we ever made: going for a chest wax, trying the Epilady on our armpits, getting a pet indoor rabbit when you prefer your appliance cords largely unchewed, thinking roasting marshmallows on lit sparklers is really funny when you were inebriated in college.

No, you can’t have the total beauty of the first time over again, but what if? What if, instead, you looked at something as being new the second time around?

I had a car once, a long time ago. It was my first car, and I bought it from my parents. It was a 1979 Toyota Corolla, and it was a small, 2-door car, but by golly was it reliable. Not only was she a good car, but she could easily seat 6 people (convenient if you need to get your friends to the high school dance, so long as everyone was comfortable in their sexuality enough to sit on top of each other), and it was a stick shift, so the amount of control I had driving up and down the hills of Seattle looking for punk rock night clubs was pretty wonderful.

It wasn’t a new car, but it was new to me. I owned it, and good, or bad, and even when I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to pour oil down the dipstick (well, I knew it came out there, so why not?), I knew that car was my responsibility. And to me, it was a wonderful creature.

Looking at your lifestyle the same way makes for a different attitude.

You own it. It’s yours. It’s wonderful and unique. Sometimes you pour the oil down the dipstick, but you eventually figured it out when your best friend came over, and between fits of laughter, he let you know how things really worked.

Such is the way with life. You wear your seatbelt, buy your insurance, pass the driver’s tests, and occasionally you’re going to get a ticket. Sometimes you might think you can jump the sidewalk, and you find your car being realigned the next day. Getting the occasional tow home because you tried to take a shortcut over moguls in the Safeway parking lot makes for good stories later on, even when the situation is exasperating at the time, and the tow truck driver is snorting with laughter as he hooks up your rig and takes your credit card number.

Laugh. Call the tow truck. Get home safely.

The same applies to your way of eating.

Learn what works for you and what has caused you problems in the past and keep going. It is worth it.

Most of your life will be spent in maintenance, so there is a little bit of magic in beginning anew. Not again, but anew. Look to your strengths and reaffirm your weaknesses. When you falter, don't give up.

As a mechanic, you can inspect your plan. Use experience and don't repeat mistakes again if you can help it. Once I figured out I really could add too much oil to the engine of a vehicle (and did), I learned something new. Did it mean I shouldn't ever own a vehicle? Heckola no. It meant that, like all of life, learning is quintessential.

If you take care of your car, it takes care of you. Whether yours has 150,000 miles, or 900,000 miles, whether you’ve overhauled the engine, or it’s holding on every time you push start it down a hill at your local community college parking lot in Tacoma, WA, it’s yours. Take care of it. Own it. Keep it running.

It’s a great little chassie you’ve got there.

Enjoy the ride.

Monday! Woohoo!

I'm down 5 pounds.

Sorry. Couldn't wait to tell you that news. I started exercising again and am feeling better. I have a lot of anxiety right now, so walking at night while watching tv keeps me more sane.

I am going to take a few days and try to relax. I am my own worst critic and stress easily, so I'm going to play in the kitchen. I've had requests from readers for some low-carb versions of favorites, so I'm going to give those a shot. I'll keep you posted.

The Great Key Lime Pie Incident of 2008

One of the things I try to do is to formulate my own recipes. People are so sweet and send me to different low-carb sites, but I am always afraid I'm going to inadvertently take someone else's hard work. I don't like copying folks, so what I make I've discovered or worked on independently.

This isn't always a success. Enter Saturday:

I made a Key Lime Pie. The crust? To die for, my friends! To die for. Wait until you see it!

The key lime innards. Well, let's just say they never solidified, and tasted too much like the American Lime Council vomited into the pie pan. Still, it looked gorgeous and the meringue was perfect. If you didn't eat any of it, it was the prettiest thing you'd ever seen.

I will get the key lime pie right, but the mistake led me to some more recipes (aha!), so stay tuned to Examiner.com for those. I am saving some for special occasions, but am very excited to share with you.


I fixed links to Examiner recipes finally

Blogger thought it was smarter than me, and I showed it right good! After wrassling with it, I checked the HTML and realized it was replacing the tilde with gibberish. Gibberish I say!

Now the gibberish is gone, and while I have to edit each and every link, I will not let technology tick me off like that again, for at least 10 minutes.


Aspartame Update:

Since kicking aspartame about a month ago:

My face is no longer numb
My speech is no longer slurred or stuttering
I don't 'lose' words
I don't lose my temper
My anxiety levels are lower
I don't fall down/lose my balance
Numbness in extremities has abated


Has asparatame affected you in any of these ways? Do you ingest aspartame and exhibit any of these symptoms? An avowed Diet Coke addict for 24 years, no matter how much I might miss the beverage, the convenience of Diet Jell-o or any other items with that poison will never again be a neurotoxin in my body.

In health,

Jamie

Friday! O Friday O Yeah Yeah Yeah!

Boom boom chicka boom boom
chicka wacka chicka wacka boom boom

Did you actually try to read that or visualize that in any way with rhythm? If so, you're a mess and I adore you. I do. You know it's difficult to make bad porn background tracks come so alive on the page.

How are you most excellent people today?

This has been a full week for me, but I always look forward to coming here and talking to you. It's relaxing and it is fun, and because I haven't seen Kathy Griffin's show in a week, I haven't been inclined to put on red wigs and yell "suck it" to a Lean Cuisine in the freezer section of the store. I might do that in the future. When I'm thinner.

Put a bright red wig on me right now, and I'd look like the world's biggest Ronald McDonald.

__________________________________________________________________

I just want to shout out to all the ladies out there who are stalled and dealing with water weight.

What is UP with the water weight? We do everything right. We're cute, wear the makeup, we give the birth. We shave (occasionally). How are we rewarded? We store fat in our rear ends, and water weight in our cankles. I swear.

Men. Look at 'em (and guys, you know I love you), but these guys make me insane. Did you ever notice a man can weigh 300 pounds on Tuesday, break wind, and on Friday he has a 6 pack of tight, firm abs? It's like they deflate through their rectums. All we do is sneeze and wet ourselves.

They have a 6-pack. We're stuck with 2 litres.

Men get fit and slim. One day they're balloons and the next day it's like they've had skin botox. I have skin hanging in places I didn't know I owned. I get this stuff stuck in escalators. On windy days, I have kids looking for my tail. I look like the world's largest MantaRay. Even Bindi Irwin yelled at me for killing her father. I was only snorkelling in the water.

__________________________________________________________________

Plans for this weekend were to get together with friends for a game night.

Are there any other people who like board games? I'm telling you, I love them. Yes, I am a geek. Put me in front of a Risk board and I'm there. All over Africa, South America, and don't mess with me or I'll take your Kamchatka, too. That's right. Don't mess with me. I always like the older, vintage Risk sets. You know why? Because they have a pink army. When there's a pink army, there's nothing better than taking Ural and saying, "We girls can do anything, right Barbie?"

Board games in general are also a great way to release tension to people you have to be nice to socially. You can play a board game with a bunch of people and take out frustrations strategically. You can't do that socially. You can't yell, "Ihateyouandthinkyouaresuchastuffedgit!" in a polite social setting. Or even at church.

But put someone around a strategic, high brow board game and you can slam dunk someone's green gingerbread man down to the paper-covered board and yell "TAKE THAT! AND GO TO MOLASSES SWAMP!" That's right. Because you just pwned Candyland. Now you can do an end zone dance. Spike the dice. Apologize to the toddler you just gave a concussion to who was sitting nearby.

_________________________________________________________________

I have more recipes coming to the column, more chatter and updates for you here. As I said, both places remain separate (but equal) and there are more things coming up at Examiner which I'm thinking you're going to be jazzed about.

Like another cookbook giveaway. That's right, honeys! I wrote a review for a new cookbook and the publisher scored me extra copies for my fam (that's you). The giveaway will be at Examiner because that is where the publishers are contacting me (the editors are checking to make sure I'm not going to make you guys do something obscene for a cookbook, like send kinky pictures of rutabagas). How do they know me so well?

So subscribe to the Examiner column! (Yes, I'm now a column ho, and you LOVE it because I do it for you) I love the way those emails come, too. They send a short version of the columns, and you can decide what you want to read. It's very freeing.

And you know we gotta be free.

I almost broke into a Monkee song. Wow. flashback.

_________________________________________________________________

Oh! Speaking of-- One more thing! The kindergartener comes to me yesterday and she hands me this piece of paper. It read (and I kid you not):

"Dear Mom,

I want LSD for Christmas. I want a freey wun."

From Sarah."



OK. First of all, since when did they start giving away free LSD?






disclaimer. It was a P not a D. She wants Littlest Pet Shop. Still. I about wet myself. And still have water weight! Ugh!

Four-Cheese Roasted Eggplant Casserole

This is what I had for dinner tonight with chicken. The recipe is simple, and it seriously tastes more like a ravioli than something I'd ever thought eggplant might taste like. Very nice, mild, and--most importantly--cheesy!

The recipe is here!

Even if you've never been brave enough to delve into eggplant territory, it's so worth this dish.

Remember, subscribe to my column at Examiner.com for the latest recipes, and for updated versions of old favorites! And don't talk to me like that, young person! why, when I was your age, I had to blog uphill, both ways.

Thank you to the tantalizing minx Mindy for letting me know my link was flaccid (I get spam about that kind of stuff). You're my honey!

I made this for you...

By the cool of the pool, enjoy blackberry shortcake with fresh, whipped cream. This recipe is the debut of the dual-use of Splenda or Stevia in a sweet recipe for folks who want a choice.

To not miss out on the latest recipes, tweaks to old ones, upgraded nutritional information, and a better layout, subscribe to my column at Examiner.com.

Just click "subscribe" and you'll get the standard daily update/email.

You're going to see things there I'm not going to have here (keeping these mediums separate), and I would love to see you out there, so let me know what you want to see.

Roses teach small lessons in life

I wouldn't eat them, but they smell nice.

Last year we made the effort to eradicate a hedgerow of 10-foot-tall roses from the back yard. Why? Well, because they poke. And because when we put in our pool, we didn't want folks getting poked when the errant beach ball, pool noodle or human being went flying from the pool.

We chopped them, burned them, poisoned them.

Look who came back? Small and beautiful and more vigorous than ever, this little shrub poked itself from the mounds of dirt we finally piled atop of them as if to say, "I have the right to be here. I do."

And so I pulled the weeds around this little plant, and each day it grew stronger until its buds opened and it smiled at me in an array of light pink the other day. It welcomed the local bees and gleamed at me.

"I hope I can stay here."

And so it will.

I had stacked some old wood from a spot I'd had reserved over another rose in an effort to stifle its progress. Blooms struggled past old pressure-treated lumber to be seen.

"See what I can do!" it stammered under its heavy burden.

And it did. I cleared away the lumber and set its arms upright. Bees thankful for the effort, the flower thanked me with its sweet scent.

The other day, I saw another small bloom emerge, struggling from the dirt, buried under a mound I had moved to halt its re-emergence. The startling pink gasped for light. I leaned over and smoothed away dirt.

"Hello," it replied sleepily, "What took you so long?"

Sometimes (like those bushes I tried to destroy for a ridiculous reason) our own journeys in life are buried, poisoned and chopped down. Our hopes for health are left bloomless and beaten down, sometimes because of inconvenience, and sometimes because we don't see the beauty in even something as simple as the small, seemingly insignificant triumph of a hardy stem fighting from the dirt.

All we need to be is who we are, without apology, and remember those sturdy little blossoms, shining in bright sunshine. In beauty. In triumph. With pride. And with purpose.

Today, as you look at those flowers, look into yourself, move away the wood piles, smooth away the dirt clods, and pull those weeds choking you.

You have the right to be here.

See what you can do!

What took you so long?

and Hello. To you. Because you're beautiful even hidden under that discarded lumber.

In the Key of P

My husband has decided he wants to buy a new laptop computer for me. More specifically, he told me I needed one which had a screen I could see (and has all of the letters), and with keys large enough that I didn't commit the heinous number of typos I tend to make my own. As my informal editor (and adorable man), he has the right to make such requests, and, while spending the money killed me initially, I now see his points.

I never realized what a boon it might be to have all of the keyboard keys. Intact. And with keys not gummed together with age and food items I'm sure that were dropped in there and had reformed into something semi-solid.

Years ago, I belonged to a friendly group of writers in a small town at the base of Mt.Rainier in Washington State. A small bunch of 8 or so of us met regularly under old growth alder trees at the end of an unpaved, rock road in an antique barn behind the host's main house. There, every Thursday evening was spent munching popcorn and sipping drinks as we pored over the prose of one another from 7-9 pm, and were kept company by myriad leaning, painted portraits of in a style reminiscent of early Limner paintings.

One of the ladies in the group had sold her computer to a friend who was also in our writer's circle who had a need of a faster system. I remembered her telling the story of the excitement of her new system. She was writing her novel, and, as her fingers flew across the keys, she revealed her tales for us weekly. Unfortunately, one key had the tendency to stick to the point where she finally pried the key from the board. She said, "I removed the key, and, seeing that it was apparent some liquid had been spilled inside the keyboard (otherwise in perfect shape), I sucked the back of the key to clean it. Then I replaced the key and it functioned with no problems ever since.

I loved her ingenuity. I never thought to deal with sticky keys in this way.

At the following writer's meeting, she was absent, but her friend who had sold her the computer had come to keep us company in that barn near the mountains. While we crunched and smacked our lips (at the many flavors popcorn salt apparently came in) and marked manuscripts, one of the members said to her, "Well, Judy is sure enjoying that computer you passed along to her! Myrna blushed ever so slightly. "I feel badly," she said, leaning forward and lowering her voice ever-so-slightly. "I think a few of the keys stick slightly." We nodded, all remembering the story of the sticky key from the previous week.

"My cat peed on that keyboard, you know."

What I took away from that moment is the obvious fact that even though certain keys might stick like the dickens, I bought my last laptop used, and stuck those keys will remain.

In fact, it's a testament to my ingenuity that, as a writer, I've been fully without the "w" key for the entirety of the last year. Rather than take the key off and give it a good spit-sucking to, I became bound and determined to just use words that didn't have "w" in them. This has, overall, enhanced my ability to be creative with the other 25 letters of the English alphabet.

Recipes are being moved to Examiner.com

What: I am going to begin moving recipes from this blog to my Low-Carbohydrate column here at Examiner.com.

Why: They will be better organized and in a more-easily printable format (for your own personal, private use) than blogger (with a capability for more pictures and an easier format for recipes). As well, this protects me from an issue I've had lately with folks making some of my recipes *ahem* their recipes.

How: Links from the recipes here (along the right side) will move automatically to Examiner as the recipes, themselves, are moved. Recipes will be, then, removed from this site.

If you have linked to recipes here at another forum or your site, your updated link to Examiner.com is appreciated.

Thanks for your patience, and my apologies in advance for any inconveniences caused due to the relocation.

Note: As an example, if you click on the oopsie recipe, you will see that I have left the post with a picture, an intro and the link to Examiner. This will keep your links from becoming dead ones.

If you have any questions or concerns, please let me know.

Any and all new recipes will be posted only to Examiner.com, so please consider throwing your support behind me with and subscribe (and visit often) the column!

As an aside, if one of the recipes at right is a recipe YOU put together which I have had permission to post here, I am going to contact you to discuss the issue of your recipe and your willingness to see it posted to a national column.

As always, I try to respect you and appreciate your support and your time.

Update: The ever-perfect specimen of man known as Eric alerted me several of my links are, in fact, NOT working. I'm on it like Clarence Thomas body hair on a Pepsi can.

Monday Report! Down 79 mid-week, but up...

I was down 79 pounds as of last week, when water weight gain started creeping up like white gas on a lantern wick. I'm claiming the lower loss for this week since it's Monday and will wait for the extra weight to fall off again. If I start messing with the numbers, then I get confused. Am I Lindsay Lohan? Am I Linda Carter? Quick, somebody! Hand me the cape and the lasso of truth!

The good news is always that this gives me an excellent opportunity to make some changes this week. I am going to try to cut some of the sodium. (That caprisi pizza and the cheese were killers for me, particularly this weekend.) I'm going to eat more low-sodium bacon, eggs and salad this week. For some reason, sometimes the most simple foods yield the best results.

OMG. I feel all confessional this morning. Someone hand me my tell-all book. *starts typing about Burt Reynolds and how his body hair changed my life*.


Scientific Reports show...

My friend hadn't seen me in 3 weeks due to the whole bad back drama. She saw me last Wednesday and was like OMG! You're melting!

That's right.

OK. So maybe that was more of a one-person poll. With a 3% margin for error.


I'd Like to Thank the Fatcadamy...

The last time I was at TOPS (who the heck knows how many weeks ago that was by now--*bad back drama snap*) I was still in the 280's. Check it. I'll easily be in the 270's now.

Check this, though. We had a two-team challenge, to see who would be stuck having to cook for the other team at the annual picnic. Not only did my team win with an extra 30 point loss, but I won money for shaking the timbers on the weight loss during that time.

And this girlfriend missed the picnic due to my back.

I'm partially relieved I couldn't make it, because I didn't have to make excuses about why I wasn't going to be able to revel in the high-carb dishes, but I would have liked to hang out with my weight loss Madges. They're my local sisters.

Well, it's into the kitchen! I have some pots not washing themselves and some laundry that my kids apparently can't lift into the washer. Like socks.


Until next time, low-carb believers (and friends).

Glorious Cart Moment Turns to Agony of De-eat

I love to go grocery shopping. I love the textures and colors, poring over various cheeses, talking to other customers about what they like and why. It's a great experience.

My hunky hubby comes with me from time to time. I usually take a kiddo with me, but he thought it might be fun to come along because we were going to grill and needed some fresh vegetables and beef.

Among other things, I placed in my cart jicama, zucchini, ripe, red grape tomatoes, a bunch of bananas, Marscapone, a juicy (OMG) steak, and basically shopped the outer edges of the store, stopping for a moment in the baking aisle to ogle almond flours (at $14 a pound). I was so excited at the bounty in my cart and wanted to share it with my dearly beloved.

"Look at this beauty, honey! Isn't this colorful? Beautiful? Healthy? Gorjussss?"

He smiled and patted me on the head and congratulated me on shopping marvellously. Then he told me we needed to hit a few more aisles.

By the time we pulled into the check stand, I looked down at Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Coke, cereal, graham crackers, marshmallows and potato chips, all of which covered my beautiful harvest of deliciously-shopped items.

It's not often a portly lady such as myself can roll up to the counter with a cart filled with the best eye candy nature has to offer in the form of whole fruits and vegetables. I wanted to strut my stuff. Boast a little. Make conversation with the clerk about how I lost 80 pounds following a whole foods, organic way of eating (Atkins).

That said, I told him his stuff was making my stuff look bad. "Your peanut butter cups are shrouding the delicacy of my organic chicken boobs over here! You've wrecked my shopping cart moment."

In a mere five aisles, I'd gone from looking like a fat chick who tries to look healthy while buying veggies to one who buys a bunch of junk food and then throws some vegetables in there like someone in denial.

"Well?!" I said, hands on my hips. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

He smiled broadly and pointed at his King-Sized candy bar and said only one word. "Chocolate."

When life hands you crappy caprisi...

A little of this + A little of that (shudder)= Oh YOU know what to do.

That's right. Uh-huh. Work it. Work it.

I also threw on some pepperoni, red bell pepper, artichoke hearts, black olives and fresh sliced mushrooms.

For Those Who Don't Know Who Kathy Griffin is...

She's a really crude comic, but man, is she funny (to me).

If you were offended, I am really sorry. I'm in the most obnoxious mood today! IT'S FRIDAY!!!!

I'm eating cheese, now.

How are you adorable people? What are your weekend plans?

5 Reasons Watching Kathy Griffin Has Changed My Life (Warning, Semi-Explicit content. May not be appropriate in any way whatsoever)

1. I have to refrain from calling everyone "Mah b*tchesssssss."
2. I have more gay friends.
3. I want more gay friends.
4. No matter what I say, I've never been hated as much as she is.
5. I can now say, "Suck it, Lean Cuisine! Atkins is my new God!"

Cup-o-Taco

Pictures: Top: As served. Bottom, after mix-ins are added. Sides are (from top) chopped, bagged spring mix, chopped grape tomatoes and sour cream)

*Hands on Hips* Don't tell me you didn't see this coming. Delicious, hearty and light, you'll find these easy to make and appealing to kids as well as to adults, especially with condiment choices.

Cup O Taco

For the updated recipe, please visit Examiner.com

The secret to delicious taco meat

Picture: Chipless Nachos: redux. Remember. This would be a taco salad if I didn't melt the cheese after adding to the plate. These are verifiable chipless nachos. Due to the quick-melt process, the lettuce doesn't wilt. Soften sour cream for better drizzling.


I need to clean my kitchen today something fierce (made some more fantastic changes I am excited about), so I need to undo the damage from that to counters. I am still healing in my back and I want to thank you again for all of the well-wishes and your support! I love reading your comments, and I appreciate your support, both here and at the Examiner in your subscriptions and readership!

Today I want to talk more to you about the seasoned meat and a variation I came up with on a whim because it was so wonderful that I have GOT to tell you about it.

You're my extended family, so when I see something exciting, I always think, "OMG! I must tell my friends about this!"--that's you. So I love sharing things and talking about it with you, because you guys are so clever and come back and say things that could even be better--or new. Or fun. Or helpful.

You really make this blog what it is, so please keep writing, emailing and letting me know what you're thinking!

So, on to the really great stuff and the new secret ingredient to making a moist, delicious taco meat... (You'll either think I am brilliant or that I'm wearing pantyhose on my head and prancing around like a pony).


Spicy Taco Meat

For the updated recipe, please visit this link at Examiner.com

Keeping it real. One more video of me talking. A lot. Well, for 2 minutes.

So many times you read about people who lose weight, or you take the time to hang out with someone online, and you're probably wondering how folks are really doing? Are they really losing the weight? Are they really who they say they are? Do they really sound like they have the mid-western voice from Laverne and Shirley (guess who got the hubba hubba hiney)?

Well, since I remembered my laptop has a video camera, I thought I'd start goofing around with the video stuff and see what happens. There's no editing, fillers, and is chock with 8 essential vitamins and iron. I look awful because I've been basically slumming today, so don't expect me to look all Paris Hilton HAWT.

Basically I am who I am, that was the only take, and I threw my hands up and sent it. Now you see:

I'm pretty normal. Just like you.

Shut up.

I am.

My First Video Ever. Oh Be QUIET. I was hungry.

I'm going to be posting some cooking videos, so wanted to begin with an eating video. You know. That's progress.

The oopsie roll recipe should be coming soon! (And will look better. Because it can't get much worse.)

Sane Snacks In a Chaotic, High-Carb Travel World

Pictured (starting at top right): Flax cracker with cream cheese and fresh dill, Swiss/pastrami rolls-ups, cherry tomatoes, green olives, fresh parsley, Havarti cheese, Dill kosher baby dill, String cheese.

It is summer. You're traveling. You're hungry. You're in a time pinch and you're not sure what to take on the airplane or your car while you're on the road. Sometimes visualization is the key to healthful eating. Most of the items above can be packed in a lunch, can go on the airplane with you, or can survive a car trip to a summer destination. They're not only convenient and oh so prittay, but they're a valuable asset to preparedness (and keeping you out of a bag of red twisty licorice).

Flax cracker with cream cheese and fresh dill: One of my perennial favorites and chock full of fiber, these are so easy to prepare in advance and have ready to go for any occasion. Just soften cream cheese (or, better yet, if you don't keep fresh dill laying around), add a bit of dill to the cream cheese and stir, pre-spread.

Flax gives you omega-3's, and due to its extremely high-fiber content, you're looking at 0-net carbohydrates for each cracker. This isn't license to go nuts, however. Too much flax has a very uncomfortable effect digestively.

Swiss and Pastrami roll-ups: These not only look pretty, but because all of the carbs are in the holes of the cheese (I know! I'm very scientificy), you're looking at only 1 carb for each roll-up. Protein and fat in the meat has staying power, along with the fat in the cheese, and you're providing yourself with calcium to keep your bones strong. You can add lettuce to the center, but sprouts will not disappoint.

Cherry tomatoes: I love cherry tomatoes and eat them like little apples. I used to put them in my cheeks (facial, thanks) and squish my hands to my face just to feel them sploosh into my mouth. (Note: Stop trying this when you're using your laptop). Grape tomatoes are a new variety and are easy to carry.

Green olives have a great taste whose pungency helps offset the mildness of the other items on the tray. while pastrami and cheese are spicy/bland, olives give a bit of punch to the palate, and are very easy to transport. Their higher sodium value should be kept in mind, but the best part of olive oil are the actual olives, and their natural fats have staying power along with a flavor punch.

Havarti is a fun cheese. Softer than a cheddar, it is excellent as an accoutrement to tomatoes, or can be softened and spread on your flax cracker. The fat helps this rest in your digestive system for a longer period of time, and the flavor is so wonderfully intense (but not overpowering) that a little of this goes a long way.

Fresh Parsley is fantastic, not only as fiber, but is a breath freshener for the folks out there who don't have their toothbrushes handy.

Pepperoni slices are probably the least healthy portion of a snack, but used as makeshift crackers, these can cradle individual slices of smaller-cut cheese or the Havarti. The fat and protein definitely sticks with a body for the entire day, but the sodium and additives can be problematic for some. Still, extremely portable, only 16 slices as a serving is more than enough to zip your bip and fill your stomach.

Baby Kosher Dill Pickles are a great portable snack that hold up well under various weather and temperature situations. Many claim that dill pickles help satisfy a sweet tooth, and their flavor make one enough, especially considering that pickles can add up in carbohydrates rather quickly. If you are on a candida diet, you might want to avoid these, as they are treated with vinegar and can exacerbate any conditions you're trying to avoid.

String Cheese-- Happiness and entertainment in a single serve packet, loaded with calcium and fat, these are a fun snack to have along for the ride. Kids love peeling the layers. Make certain to buy full-fat, or these turn to sugar in the blood stream more quickly than would be convenient for the busy traveler. If you follow South Beach or another low-fat plan, buying the low-fat versions will be in your best interest, unless you can spare the fat in your daily allowance.

Other snack choices:

Macadamia nuts
Celery
Fresh mushrooms
Almonds
Oopsie rolls (with sandwich spreads)
Hard-boiled eggs


While liquids aren't allowed on airplanes, bottles of water, partially frozen before a car trip will not only help keep vittles cold, they'll provide refreshing libation (drinky enjoyment) on the road.

Make sure to recycle those bottles, eat smart, and have a healthy trip.

"Well you told me to. I DID."

Pictured :See second story to understand why there is a caprese salad here

My doctor fell out of his chair today.

See, I went in to get my back looked at, and he told me that basically I need a physical therapist (YayfickenNOThoo). Apparently what I did wasn't a pinched nerve. I did something to my lower back and he's sure that if I don't see a physical therapist, I'm going to continue to injure the area again and again.

I, being stubborn, told him I didn't want a physical therapist. He leaned back in his chair, stretched out his arms and then folded them, and bemusedly put his pen to his lip. "Now why wouldn't you want a physical therapist? It's a personal trainer your insurance pays for. And it will help you strengthen your muscles."

Not, that starts sounding better than the possibility that I could be an eventual invalid due to stretching the wrong way.

He looked down at his chart and almost fell out of his chair. "You've lost 75 pounds?! My Gosh! 75 pounds?! And your blood pressure is great! What the heck!"

I calmly said, "Well, when I saw you last year you said to me, 'I don't care how you do it. Lose weight.' So I did."

By now he was very animated. "That's it? You just went and did it? Like that? Since January? My chart shows you're closer to having lost 90 pounds since last year (Me: OMG I must have been huge!!!). And you just went and did it," he said, rubbing his chin, smiling.

"You told me to." I looked at him and tapped my knees, shrugging.

He leaned forward.

"Well, the next time I see you, I want to to fix the Middle Eastern crisis, and solve our energy shortage."

He wrote me the prescription and handed it to me still muttering surprised, with eyebrows elevated, "because I told her to."

Doctors aren't used to patients doing what they tell us to do, apparently.

I took my prescription and began down the hall, when suddenly he called, "Hey! While you're at it, stabilize the economy!"


Caprese Salad Tastes better as Burps

One of the major problems with going to the doctor and then to get a prescription was that I was hungry. I was starving. I wanted to lick the end caps of Chester Cheeto. Of course, since I am still losing weight, I opted for one of the deli Salads at Super Target. It is a caprese salad, comprised essentially of delicious tasting things which, when put together, is disgusting.

Grape tomatoes, mozzarella cheese and pesto. My God, man! What is sexier than those three things, save for Angelina Jolie or Johnny Depp running down the beach in their bathing suits? this was supposed to be the penultimate in salads. The presentation? Beautiful. The taste? Like someone got tidepools caught in their knickers.

Maybe I'm an uneducated swine when it comes to salads. It needed olives. And something more. Like, oh, I don't know-- non-silt run-off levee-tasting food items. I choked down half of the serving, and am going to play with the rest of it today.

I will not rest until this crap is edible!

On the up side, it smells awesome and tastes great as gas.


Weight Update:

And, despite what my doctor thinks I lost (he could be right. Who knows. That whole Doctor thing), I'm down some more weight. 74 pounds lost so far since January 1, and we're not even through half of the year.

April and May were intense rough spots, so I'm excited that the active loss months have been that-- as active as me running away from caprese salad displays.

Edible Cup (O Pizza)

1/2 zucchini, shredded (about 8" long)
1 egg
1 cup shredded cheese (makes about 4-6 cups)

Preheat oven to 450 degrees F .

Mix ingredients. Make 4-6 6" circles on a greased cookie sheet (if there is extra dough left over, set this aside). Bake circles for 12 minutes. Let cool for 20 minutes, until patties are solid enough to lift carefully with a spatula. Flip and bake until they start to brown, or 5 minutes more.

Drape over small shot glasses or a small glass measuring shot glasses (When I do this I also carefully pinch edges together to help hold shape). Let cool on a cooling rack over night.

Filling:

shredded mozzarella cheese
2 Tbsp pizza sauce
chopped pepperoni, green pepper, onion
any leftover zucchini dough


Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a glass baking dish, press out any remaining zucchini dough.

Top with sauce, vegetable toppings and cheese. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until cheese is brown and bubbly. Let cool slightly.

Serve in bowls. Sprinkle with Parmesan cheese and garnish as needed.

Thanks to the ever-sexy Sasha, who reminded me that it's always good to let you know that this is, indeed, induction-friendly.

I LOVE this Taco Seasoning Mix

I'm usually on the go, and don't have a lot of time to mess with taco seasoning mixes. One thing I have noticed is how high in carbs the packet seasoning mixes are. Filled with sugars and other carby fillers, I can add even half of one of those packets to 2 pounds of meat and feel the carbs working in my bloodstream not long after.

Enter Fernandez Hot Taco Sauce Mix. I found this in the Mexican section of my local WalMart. This stuff is potent and very little goes a long way. With ingredients for dip and salsa, I just use a Tbsp to the cup of meat and it's more than spicy (I used this in the chipless nachos). I think I grew an arm hair or two.

Notes: The ingredients were cut off, but read: Chiles, onion, salt, garlic, and spices.

You can actually see the chiles and the ingredients in the clear packet and feel relatively safe knowing you're not buying a spankload of processed bits of vegetable rectums or MSG.

One ounce goes a long way. I've already used it for two meals, and can see it making quite a bit more, especially at a Tbsp at a time.

Quick Chipless Nachos

I haven't had much of an appetite lately, but if it's one thing I love, it's nachos.

I'll bet you didn't know you could enjoy a chipless nacho plate that's easy as low-carb punch, and with hamburger you made yesterday (or the day before).



Quick Chipless Nachos

layer:
lettuce
mushrooms
cabbage
green jalapeno slices
black olives
purple onion
2 cherry tomatoes cut in half

In a bowl toss a cup of ground pre-cooked hamburger with low-carb taco seasoning mix (check the link for my new favorite mix). Add 2 Tbsp water. Stir with a fork. Place plate on bowl and microwave for 2 minutes, stirring at 1 minute. Let rest.

With a spoon distribute meat across the top of the lettuce and other toppings.

Add shredded cheese (I use pre-shredded colby jack/cheddar). Place in the microwave for another 30 seconds, just until cheese is melted. Drizzle with 1 Tbsp taco sauce and 2 Tbsp Caesar Salad dressing (I use Newman's Own).

Serve it up!


This is really quick and easy, especially if you keep bagged salad on hand (which I do) and are in a real pinch, especially in hot weather when you need something savory. The lettuce and other veggies do not wilt, and you've just enjoyed yourself the easiest plate of chipless nachos ever.

For a more 'authentic' feel, you can shred your lettuce and also top with fresh cilantro and parsley.

Addendum: June 10, 2008.

I just made this in a pan on the stove as a meal base. I used 2 pounds of hamburger, 4 Tbsp of the seasoning, and about 1/2-1 cup of water.

I Lurve Muscle Relaxants

Which, incidentally, has nothing to do with this picture. But it might have to do with being chased by people in Speedos from the Blue Man Group. Wow. Put those away.

It's amazing how regulated weight control is when you're administered morphine and you proceed to throw up for the next 24 hours.

On the up-side, I'm starting to feel human again (thanks for the good wishes!). I seriously never thought a person could sleep as much as I did. I'm not even sure what I was taking, but I tell you what-- I'm not happy that I had to go to the ER since my Doctor couldn't see me for a week and since Urgent Care has worse hours than the doctor whose schedule is too full.

I actually walked from the Urgent Care building to the ER down the street because getting in and out of the vehicle was the worst ever.

Things like this TOTALLY make you appreciate health and mobility. Cripes. I miss doing laundry. How sick is that? Laundry! I actually did an invalid's touchdown dance when I spiked a fork into the dishwasher basket and ran a load of dishes.

That's right, bad back! You may have made my trips to the bathroom last 2 hours for the hobbling, but my golly, those drugs... ahhh... those beautiful drugs...

I love the doctor and the ER nurses and attendants who didn't poke me with needles (save for the morphine pokes), who congratulated me on my weight loss and who gave me medications whose names I can't even pronounce.

I am so happy I can schmootz.

Gluten

My neighbor called me on the phone to tell me about her friend with a spelt cook book. I'll be taking the next few days looking at spelt and its role in low-carbing. I am hearing from people now who have written cook books like our friend Sugar Free Sheila and I'm always interested in meeting new people who are also trying to make a difference in the world, through cooking, education and other forms of activism.

A friend in the comments section here asked me if I am gluten-intolerant. I think I would say that while I'm not celiac, I do experience adverse reactions to wheat and rice. I usually end up with 'crawling legs' and have a really hard time sleeping that night as a direct result. My nose tends to run, and anymore I don't have the symptoms of congestion I used to. I have to say that in terms of these things I am definitely intolerant to wheat.

Why the gluten-intolerant markers then on the recipes if it's not necessarily for me? There seem to be more and more folks who are intolerant to wheat, and as a mom with a son who I thought was gluten intolerant/celiac (before realizing he's actually autistic), I was astounded to find wheat in everything, from tomato soup to other items I assumed wouldn't have wheat.

As a result, and because the food pyramid loves itself some wheat, I make an extra effort to try and cater to food intolerances, whether it is wheat or caseins. I am still learning quite a bit about substitutions for cheeses in recipes, but thanks to readers and friends pointing me in the right direction, I'll be able to write more about this as well.

So, while I myself may not suffer from an actual gluten intolerance to the horrific extremes others do, I still have trouble seeing wheat as a healthy and prominent part of the American Diet. I'll continue to work to educate people about healthy substitutes for wheat.

Oopsie rolls are only the beginning. Still, isn't it nice to be able to have 'bread'?

Today it's cold, so I'll be making a cauliflower crust pizza. Planning ahead will help keep me on the path to health. I don't even like regular bready pizza crust anymore, knowing that the vegetables are not only incredibly healthy, but I don't notice them.

Funny thing about some people

A different neighbor is an interesting person, but she is really unusually mentally busy (I usually see her, smile and nod, as I'm hurrying along) (rather hurriedly) (for reasons of hurriedness). She really is a nice person (I am sure), and her busybody ways are not necessarily a bad thing (she's the neighborhood chattychat and the one who feels that if she doesn't introduce you to everyone else then someone else is honing in on her duty to be in the middle of everything),but she talks a lot, and sometimes doesn't like listening to what others have to say, unless it's information she can pass along to others (meaning about you). She talked to me for an hour about herself, how she rescued a dog that then got away, and her family and about her kids playing sports in state tournaments (something I'm proud of them for. They're great kids.). When the topic momentarily segued, I told her about what I do and how I've been successful with my family in our health changes, and she suddenly had to run, and she wasn't at all interested, as she said, "well, bye!" and the dial tone responded. I could hear the facial twitching on her end of the phone when I must have forced her to endure 45+ seconds of personal happy news which was similar to hers.

Now, I'm not a person who seriously doesn't brag or talk about myself to my friends because I'd rather hear what they're talking about, and hello? I'm not that exciting. Mentioning less than one minute of health woohoos for my family on my end and suddenly she had to run after an hour of honestly my listening to her go on and on about everything from her rescuing a dog to asking me about bus schedules to going on and on about her kids and their sports. I mention in passing that I've lost almost 70 pounds following a whole-foods eating plan and now enjoy discussing what you're learning with the world, and it's no longer about her--so she has to go. Click.

Mentioning healthy, whole eating to someone who is making tortilla soup and is sure she's right and I'm wrong is like telling Pamela Lee she would be happy with a B-cup.

She's always been a little peculiar. I used to mess with her (a little) because she was really concerned with what I would do--and would tell me all about it. She was concerned that my 14 year old was home alone for an hour once. She feels badly for one of my kids playing an unusual instrument because it must be hard being different. She would call me about me leaving lights on around the house all night, so I would leave them on in one room for a night. Then I'd change to a new room. And then another. And in the middle of the conversation, when she would ask me why I did something, I'd say, "Oh really? I hadn't noticed." Then I'd cover the mouthpiece and say, "No. The body should go over there. The wind blows easterly. Avoid detection."

I know we can't pick our neighbors. But they're good for material occasionally.


Cabinets Mean More Room For Fun

The picture at the top of the page isn't very sexy, but over 300" of new linear cabinet space is so exciting I've taken to considering alphabetizing ingredients. My hunky hubby spent the last two weekends prepping and hanging more cabinets for me in our older kitchen. Initially, the kitchen was an eat-in, and later occupants added base cabinets and left the walls bare. This resulted in a lot of storage space, but not nearly enough, especially with those piddly little cabinets.

I'd been spending entirely too much time in bed or in the pool trying to remove pressure from my back and feel like a total bum for doing nothing to help him out with these, and he did a fantastic job: he matched the stain perfectly by mixing together two colors in separate coats, and re-sanded some of the cabinets at least twice. I felt so badly, but the new cabinets are the best ever!

Notice how the previous owners used floorboards as a backstop for the counter top? You should see some of the incredibly odd upgrades that they were really proud of (like using glue where actual fasteners like screws usually are meant to be).


I'm afraid one morning I'll wake up to a view of the sky. From my bed.

Ow Ow Back Ow Ow

I am waiting to go to the doctor, where I hope that adorable man will prescribe some muscle relaxers. I have been in the worst way since last Monday, and it became REALLY bad Saturday night.

Good news? Laptop is ok! Called tech support and the little booger never shut down properly and was stuck in sleep mode. A little snog by Prince Charming and she's functioning again.

Will be back when I'm medicated. Just wanted to drop you a quick note to let you know why I've been not-so-posty.