Who is that bento blogger? Who? Me? No!

I've had something published locally with a picture! I have had other things published, but avoid getting the paper because I am generally embarrassed to see my picture in print next to something I've written. As a perfectionist I always know I could have written something even better!

I am featured in a section of the Denver Times special section!

Ignore the bad picture of me. It's... well... me! You're used to looking at my ugly mug.

Look, instead, at the cute food! Not nearly as cute and savory as the people I link to blogwise in my bento blog, but it's so much fun! I'm even on a little bit of the cover!

The editor emailed me and asked if I had bigger pictures of bento. I sent them to him and found out they were publishing the bit I'd written about being addicted to bento!

Thank you, editor!I will make you some onigiri shaped like Hello Kitty.

I'll get you! I'll get you good!

I've been tagged by three friends now.

Just between us (don't tell them though) (exagerated wink) in the spirit of friendship, all of them have no idea that they have been signed up for the denture creme club of the month.

(Claire, Morgan, Denise: Enjoy November! I hear it's anise with a hint of pumpkin).

That said, in an effort to end my rampant tardiness and to simultaneaously avoid putting away the dishes, I bring you the condensed version 2.0, When bloggers attack, wanting to know about me and like me while getting to know me.

I'm Aquarius. No, I have never been caught mooning. "There are things you wouldn't like about me, Dottie. I'm a rebel. A loner." I have come to embrace my figure, but I've formed the conclusion that I'll need longer arms. When I was a goth we had to walk uphill, both ways, while wearing elf shoes, just to buy my Bauhaus albums; not like these little emo people today with their fancy bus passes. No, I've never sporked someone's lawn. Yes, but when I was drinking I really thought sparklers really toasted the marshmallows. I like my eyes. They help me to see where I've been. So, someone told me I was funny the other day; then she handed me her therapist's card. I think about a lot of things because t I have a busy mind, and also because it's cheaper than cable. I am addicted to caffeine and have been known to do lines of cans of Diet Coke per day. I started Atkins for the first time about the time when everyone was Wang Chunging tonight. I was born in the hospital to be near my mom. I dream in color. I've woken myself up laughing before. My kids are all named after parts of speech and form a complete sentence when put together. In the McDoogals of the universe, God loved me so much, He had me super-sized; he made the skinny people the chicken mcnoogies. All of the other parolees say I'm a hit at parties. I was raised by a Jew and a 7th day adventist; I had double the guilt, but extra gifts at Hannukah and Christmas. Bento is a new hobby of mine. I'm addicted to office supplies. I love the smell of permanent markers. I am humble, and proud of it. Even though I usually wait until the last minute, I finish what I start. Once I switched my toothpaste with the Preparation H; my lips puckered, but my rear had that oh-so-minty feeling. Tingly.

Menu ideas for busy people

I was asked by a friend who wanted to plan some menus for her family, and especially with kids, if I had some ideas regarding planning.

Do I have ideas? Is the Lincoln Monument tall (though it makes one wonder how they fit the whole thing into each penny)?

If you are also planning menus, but you're not sure where to start, or you've never eaten in a lower-carb fashion before, I've put together some cursory ideas which could help you to get started. Whether an adult, a teenager or a young boopie, these are meals which don't necessarily make you feel like you're following any plan at all.

Many of the products mentioned below are available in stores. Otherwise, you can order them online through various companies and sources. I've found FlatOut wraps quite a few places, including Safeway, SuperWal-Mart (deli section), but you can find more store locations at their website.

Breakfast:

Whole, full-fat yogurt with flax seed meal, fresh, sliced strawberries or blueberries
Breakfast smoothie (with protein powder for staying power)
Scrambled eggs and sausage
Atkins revolution roll (google recipe) ‘McMuffin’ with said egg and sausage
Spicy omelet (jalapenos, purple onion, have fun!)
Loaded scrambled eggs (add cheese, sausage, veggies while scrambling!)
Mini quiches (google south beach and mini quiches)


Lunch:

Flat Out wrap pinwheels with meat and cheese
Broccoli cheese soup (google recipe) and salad
Egg salad in a Flat-Out wrap
Mini quiches
‘sampler’: olives, pepperoni slices, cheese slices, macadamia nuts
Bunless loaded brats and hot dogs, coleslaw (bagged and make your own dressing) and devilled eggs
Breadless deli sub salad! (bring your knife and fork if you like yours piled high)
Flax crackers (recipe follows) with hummus


Dinner:

Mashed cauliflower with sour cream and butter, chicken breast and gravy with ThicknThin/Not Starch instead of flour (you'll never know it's not flour or cornstarch)

Flat-Out low-carb wraps used as a crust for a pizza (I add alfredo, spinach, pine nuts, fresh tomato, black olives, pepperoni and feta)
Flat-Out wraps used to make quesadillas
Mexican pulled pork in the slow-cooker
Guacamole bacon burgers on Atkins revolution rolls
Shrimp breaded with low-carb breading mix, loaded sweet potato
Veggie and chicken stir fry
Spinach lasagne


Dessert

Ghirardelli chocolate square
Fresh strawberries and home-made whipped cream
Sugar-Free Jell-o
Shaved ice with sugar-free syrup (davincis has a raspberry)


Flax cracker

2 Tbsp flax seed meal
2 Tbsp water

Mix flax seed meal with water in a bowl. Pour/scrape onto a piece of parchment paper and spread into a 4" X 8" cracker. Microwave for 2 minutes, 30 seconds, or until dry-looking. Let rest.

Fresh dill spread

Combine 2 Tbsp of softened cream cheese with a dash of dill. Spread on flax crackers, or (if you make more) roll up in a Flat-Out and cut into pinwheels for a delicious and fun snack!

The Low Glycemic Load Atkins OWL plan

Some folks ask me what plan I'm following.

Here is the answer, albeit not tremendously simple, but simple enough for me.

I'm following Dr Thompson's Low Glycemic Diet, but I'm using modified OWL numbers from the Atkins plan.

Now, before you scrunch up your eyebrows and make cuckoo noises, let me explain how this works. Dr Thompson wrote an excellent book about Low Glycemic Loads. Glycemic load is more important than index, because no one can eat enough carrots to spike blood sugar as index shows. Glycemic load is based on the average amount a person generally eats versus what it would take to raise the blood sugar considerably for any given food item.

Glycemic load is so easy, I'm able to follow it. There are no phases, nothing complicated about this plan. In fact, I've laid out some of the groundwork below:

To begin following the plan (while waiting for your book to arrive)



This list is extremely important. Note, however, this isn't where you are going to cry out in remorse for having listened to me at this point. No reason to say, "Cleochatra! You said this was going to be easy!"

Well, this is easy. The lsit tells you, as a long-time low-carber, what you already know. In a sense, it vindicates the knowledge you have had to this point.

Ignore low glycemic indexes. Those don't take into account the amount of food NORMAL folks eat (no one eats cups and cups of carrots in a sitting). Glycemic load takes into account the amount of food a normal person eats )ex: a bagel).

Job One: Purge starch from your diet.

Easy enough, right? After all, you're probably already following a low-carb plan. Push aside, most simply, bread, potatoes and rice. It doesn't get any easier than that. Do you have to give them up for life? No. Keep reading.

What Dr Thompson states is that when you have a plate of food in front of you, you put all starchy foods to the side in a 'starch pile'. Psychologically speaking, little looks less appetizing than a pile of goo sitting on your plate!

And what is starch, if not goo and glue?

At the end of the meal, if you simply must have some starch (and are still hungry--remember, eating to satisfy hunger trumps pigging out), eat up to 1/4 of the starch on your plate. Nothing more.

You will have made starch the afterthought and not the be-all. Really roll it around in your mouth. It's just not really that good. Still, you can have some. You're just going to fill up on the healthy, wholesome foods first.

As an aside, did you know that starches never make it past the first 2 feet of your intestine before it veers right back off into your bloodstream? It's not good stuff...

High fiber foods have greater merit. Don't be mistaken into believing bran flakes, however, are necessarily healthy. So many foods are so ghighly processed! The healthiest grains are the ones which retain their fiber because they've retained their husks. Flax seed meal is some good stuff. Flax cereal CAN be, if you can control yourself and eat only the recommended amount.

Me, I can't, so I stay away from flax cereals (and all cereals). There is more information about acceptable fiber sources in the book.

Job 2: Eliminate sugar-filled beverages.

Again, probably a no-brainer! We're doing that as low-carbers.

Milk? OK for us. In moderation. Milk still contains milk sugars. Go for a higher fat for greater satiety.

Watch:

alcohol: An appetite stimulant and depressant

coffee and tea-- good in moderation, coffee and tea offer positive attributes. towards stimulation of metabolism and providing protection for some type 2 diabetes patients. Still, it can also stimulate appetite, so be aware!

Water-- great, but drink to satisfaction. Dr T thinks we overdink water as a society. Make water your thirst quenching drink of choice, but you don;t have to drink obscene amounts to get the needed physiological benefits. He discusses this more in the book.

Job 3: Make friends with your sweet tooth

This is where I initially thought Dr T lost his ball in the short weeds--and where, conversely, I realized this could be a way of life for me!

In the bloodstream, a gram of sugar doesn't raise blood sugar levels anymore than a gram of starch. The difference? We have a sweet taste bud on our tongue. Do we have a starch bud? The human has not evolved to eat starches. Sugar? In moderatiuon, yes, and huimans have been eating honey (100% sugar) for millenia!

The glycemic loaf of one peppermint lifesaver is only 20. Compared to 100 for a slice of bread, that's nothing. A tablespoon of sugar? Only 28. And, for this, your tongue (and your brain's) pleasure sensors are exonerated.

How can sugar save you? If you are addicted to starches, it's silly. Starches are tasteless. What has to be added? Flavoring? sugar?

Why not cut to the chase? Eat what your body wants. What your tongue wants. Have a bit of sugar and skip the processed chemicals. You can assuage starch cravings by actually having a bit of sugar!

Wait until the end of a meal (again, to help off-set sugar in the bloodstream) have a pinch of sugar. A small, high-octane chocolate, maybe some pudding. A small handful of jellybeans. Better for you than starches, and without the resulting cravings.

Avoid starchy sweets! No cookies, pies, cakes. The point is to assuage the sugar center on your tongue, not feed your body starch-poisons.

OK treats: M&Ms, jellybeans, high octane chocolate (just a bit), peanut brittle, hard candy, such as a peppermint. Limit quantities! Remember, this should feel like you're spoiling yourself, but not your hips.

Use sweets to happify your taste buds--never to fill your belly!

Go sugar-free when enjoying dairy treats, but watch out for sugar alcohols. Sugar-laced yogurts should be substituted with artificial sweetner.

Find high-fiber and protein snacks... no issue, right? We're used to that. Nuts, cheeses, meats, celery...

Job number 3: Slow Twitch Muscles to the rescue!

These muscles have more to do with metabolism than what we previously believed. Walk every 48 hours to keep burn at a maximum. Walking also keeps your muscles resistant to insulin! You don't have to knock yourself out to knock out insulin naughties!

There is much more about this in the book, but long story short: Walk every 48 hours! It's not painful, you feel better, work slow-twitch muscles and build up metabolism. Slow-twitch are your friends.

Of course, I walk daily, but once every 2 days is a start, right?

Choose good fats over bad

No brainer. We already know this. He does recommend omega-3. It's good stuff.

So really, that's it. Oh, there's more in the book, which is why I highly recommend anyone interested in this plan buy it! The plan is really that straightforward.

No phases. No starting over. No guilt. Just better choices.

I don't mind phases, but people don't tend to live naturally in phases, save for those our bodies impose on themselves. Some days we are hungrier than others. Some seasons we don't want to eat as much as others. The decided lack of man-made phases makes this a way of living rather than a diet. It's much more user-friendly and less likely to fail in that.

And for those of us who tend towards self-sabotage and perfection, this plan requires neither perfection nor absolute adherence. It removes every stumbling block I suffered from while following Atkins.

Speaking of Atkins....

Now, take that plan, and instead of eating higher carbs, stick to induction level numbers for the 2002 Dr Atkins New Diet Revolution (you're treating it as modified OWL, because you're rotating foods through to some degree to see how they affect you... but you don't have to). Because you're staying to between 20-25 net carbs, your hunger levels are dissipated for the most part as you're enjoying eating luxurious foods.

I was a skeptic regarding the LGL plan by Dr Thompson, but never having to follow induction again and having a world o0f delicious foods at my fingertips makes it so easy to stay on this plan!

It's worth looking into. The losses can be as fast or as slow as you like, but Dr Thompson advocated slower losses since long-term changes take place through slower losses and cementing of lifestyle.

I know I am really excited about this plan!

12 reasons not to go to Edgar Allen Poe's house for dinner

1. He rhymes when he talks.
2. You ask him if he wants potatoes and he says, "Nevermore".
3. He won't tell you what's behind the wall, but you're sure it's the last guest.
4. The floor makes that tell-tale lub-dub sound
5. He tries to offer you Amontillado
6. He asks you to call him "Anabelle"
7. The French love him.
8. His favorite team is the Ravens. Nobody likes the Ravens.
9. Wrote the first "whodunit" but couldn't remember where he put your coat.
10. He keeps purloining your letters.
11. The "Iron Maiden" he's talking about in the basement isn't the band.
12. He keeps trying to show you his pendulum.

Cute salad

Who says salad has to be boring?


I just recently began an experiment in bento, and have purchased some exciting tools for making great meals, originally for my kids. I was left with half of a star-shaped egg and decided to make it the centerpiece of a salad!

With a spring mix salad, the egg and a quartered vine-ripened cherry tomato, I had a delicious and festive lunch.

What fun things are you trying?

Exercise and ways to trick your brain...

Even if you don't feel like doing it, just try this.

I start out with 5 minutes.

You figure if you do 5, then you can do 7, which turns to 8. Then minute 9 comes along, and you're like, "why not shoot for 10." So you do 10 minutes and you're thinking, "well, I might be able to do two more minutes, just because when I was 12 I had a crush on Corey Hart because he wore his sunglasses at night." So you get to 12, and you think, "I might as well shoot for 15."

So, before you know it, you've laced up your keds and you've made it a full 15 minutes on the treadmill or bike, or walking outside, and all because you started with 5 minutes.

You can do it!

96 boxes of Crystal Lite and some great yogurt

It's supremely not cool that the love affair we have shared with Blue Bunny has been hampered somewhat by the seemingly sudden divorce of Blue Bunny from Super Wal-Mart stores. I had finally found Blue Bunny's Sweet Freedom low-carb yogurts and was so happy I could have hugged an Olson twin and risked having my eye put out by a shoulderblade.

On a whim, I headed to Super Target the other night to procure some grass-fed beef. While generally I find Super Target to be annoying, what with its tall ceilings and myriad things I don't need to buy but want to, I needed to make a run.

Until then, I'd been buying at Super Wal-Mart. While annoying in its ample size and sometimes very-low prices which brings me back despite the annoyances I face there with crowds some days, I know they generally have the one thing I want which none other had seemingly carried: Blue Bunny products and 20-ounce bottles of water, coupled with low-priced Crytal Lite packets.

This is where I rewind the machine a couple of frames and state that I have given up Diet Coke due to anxiety. Giving people with anxiety Diet Coke is like giving a nudist pasties and sending her out to a high-class function. Things go terribly wrong. The nudist is overdressed, and I'm back with the twingy arms and chest pains. As a result, I switched to bottled water, partially because I like the cold chill of winter in a container small enough to accept flavor packets-- a new invention which is better than spray-on hair, in my estimation.

My husband came along with me to Super Target. He wanted to see how much their bottled water cost as a point of reference. First, knowing the Blue Bunny supply had dried up at Super Walmart, and knowing they no longer carry the stuff, I needed to find out if Target carried anything as whole-foodsy as the other food items they tend to carry. To my shock and amazement, in the dairy section, among the rows of brightly-hued yogurts, sporting various amounts of corn syrup solids I spied a portion of a row dedicated to none other than the Bunny of Blue. And not only that, but in flavors Wal-Mart never carried. I came home with Strawberry, Vanilla, Peach and Raspberry Creme. I was so excited that I pumped my fist in the air with the alacrity of someone who woke up from a bad dream and could breathe normally again after realizing that stirrup pants were no longer really popular.

I filled my cart with the various yogurt flavors, and we zipped down to the water aisle.

Water at Super Target comes in even bigger bottles than Wal-Mart. This is actually a boon to those of us who find the Crystal Lite packets to be a little overly sweet. The prices are the same for 24 bottles as they are at Wal-Mart, so I'm getting more flavorless liquid for less money.

On an endcap on the way to the produce, my husband said, "HEY!" Just as I was about to respond with the very philosophically high-brow response of "Hay is for horses," I saw it: On an endcap marked at 30% off were glorious masses of packages: 3 boxes of Crystal Lite, buy two, get one free were marked down. At first, this didn't trigger in me any sense of elation. Then my husband showed me that the "two boxes" they were selling had been $7.50 and were now for sale for about $4.00. Now, this I could be excited about. Usually a box of the Crystal Lite packets go for $2.49 each. That's $.25 for each of the ten packets per, and fairly expensive, when you're trying to convince yourself that after paying for water and the Crystal Lite packets, you're still better off than buying a cheap 2-liter of the bubbly stuff.

Knowing we were going to be drinking this stuff for the long haul, I went ahead and bought up the flavors I felt we liked. We took all of the boxes, save for the fruit punch (I didn't want to be a totally greedy slob) and a box that turned out to be empty.

In the end, I bought 96 boxes of Crystal Lite drink mix.

While a usual package of 10 is $2.49 at Wal-Mart, You can now buy 3 boxes (or 30 packs) for only $3.98!

I ended up saving $221.68 for 96 boxes!

OK, I recognize that might sound a little silly, and I know it's a little drinkmuch, but the stuff is generally expensive enough, and I figure, I really like the stuff, and it's cheaper and better than Diet Coke. So, I have 960 packets of Crystal lite in the kitchen all over the place in cupboards, falling out of cabinets where crackers and cereal boxes once inhabited.

Now I'll probably forget where some of it is, but I'm sure in 10 years I'll find it. When I'm no longer thirsty.

An Anxious Moment

I ended up in the urgent care facility of the hospital today with chest pain, tingling, all of the classic symptoms of what seemed to be a heart attack. Talk about not cool. I hadn't been that concerned since the SeaHawks lost the SuperBowl to the Steelers a couple of years back due to bad referees (the Seahawks were robbed).

I'd been having some tightness in my shoulders for some time now, but this was something which had been rapidly escalating to the point where other symptoms were starting to kick in and compound the overall problems. I was finally to a point last night where it hurt worse to lay down than to sit up. I was experiencing shortness of breath, chest flutters, nausea and hot flashes. By this morning, it hurt to even breathe and I was feeling more light-headed than normal.

Naturally, none of this helps, when you, then, end up in the doctor's office with an insanely high blood pressure number, and they're slapping EKG tabs all over your stomach and under your bazooms.

I'd called my physician, only to be told that he was out of town for the week. I told the nurse what was happening and she shook her invisible finger at me and told me to get to the hospital right away. I didn't. Are you kidding? Go to the urgent care facility?! Whatevah! That is for people who, well, aren't me! I'm cool as Hillary Clinton's calculated stare of matrimonial derision and as collected as cookie monster dolls with the rattly eyes.

So I waited for four hours and tried to detract from mounting discomfort and concern. I walked on the treadmill. I folded laundry. I walked around. Finally, when my husband called, he told me, "OMG! Go to the hospital!" I told him I wanted to clear it with him first to make sure I wasn't overreacting. He hurried home and got the kidnicks, and I drove myself to the urgent care ward right away.

At urgent care they rushed me back to a room where I was left to put on a gown with the opening in the front that was so smaller than Nicole Ritchie's left calf muscle. As I struggled to cover myself, I made several attempts at sucking things in, mashing things down, and poked things under other things. Dealing with my boobs was the same ole. I just do what I always do with those and sling 'em over my shoulder.

They kept making me lay down and would plump pillows for me. I felt this was unnecessary, and, as a mother, kept trying to organize the room, straightening out the paper on the table, just to show I was capable and not just some numpty with a too-small frock.

After testing through EKG, questions and a blood test, the doctor delivered relief, coupled with an annoying resolution:

It turns out I have anxiety worse than an LA fashion model eyeing up neon legwarmers.

I'd given up Diet Coke, started exercising and losing weight, but when it comes down to it, I'm a person who tends to worry. A lot. And about many things.

Will the Mariners win this season? Did my son wear his underwear the right way this morning? Did my daughter remember to put on a shirt? How many licks does it take to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop when you're travelling at the speed of light in a Nash Rambler in a technicolor dream? Is my butt too big? Meaning bigger than Toledo? What if there's a volcano? Or an earthwuake? Or a bridge collapse? What if Milli Vanilli really could sing?

When I was young, I'd look up at the ceiling in bed and mentally lament having to do yardwork the next morning. Or I worried about things at school. Now, I lay in bed and panic about other things, some of which relate to no circumstances of any importance. School is beginning and my schedule is changing. For someone like me who is used to control and schedule, this change in everything has put me over the edge this week in nerves.

I know, you've always thought me the cool, collecting diva of good taste in shoes, but the truth of the matter is, I tend to be a very stressed-out person. I'm a perfectionist with social anxieties who would just as soon hide behind a table at a party handing out napkins than stuffing my push-up bra with them.

I'm the person who is concerned kids will: poke their eyes out, be abducted, die of disease, eat something the cat dragged in, get their fingers trapped in their noses, fall down the stairs, or off of the house, or out of the car.

This morning I was worried about a heart attack. Now I'm merely worried about being worried.

Incidentally, while waiting for the blood tests to come back from the world's fastest lab on its slowest day, I read through a magazine for people like me called, "Simple Living". I never could figure out how a magazine with a message for simplicity could be 340 pages long.

I guess living a life of ease takes work.

I wonder if Thoreau was a Seahawks fan.

Well, Slap my low-carb Buttermilk Biscuits!

I just found out quite by accident (I'm not very technological, unless it has to do with shoes, and those don't usually blink 12:00) that I'm listed on a list.

That's right! A list!

Sir Jimmy Moore has come out with his annual 'Bazillion Blogs to sip your Diet Coke to while waiting for someone at ATT to take your call in English'.

I'm on the NOT AFRAID TO HAVE AN OPINION LOW-CARB BLOGS list, and I'm the last (maybe because he thinks I'm the most opinionated) on the list. Or because I weigh the most. Is it because I weigh the most? If so, I could direct a very tersely-worded haiku your direction, miladdio. I have skills, and I'm not afraid to use them to defend my honor-y stuffness.

Still, he said I'm opinionated. Can you believe he said that?

Me? Opinionated?









Quit laughing.

Kimkins and the Petition

There has been a lot of controversy over the Kimkins Diet plan, a plan which many, including yours truly, believes is a dangerous VLCD being marketed to a get-thin-fast mentality of people.

I am going to also state that while more people don't know about Kimkins than do, there is still a great amount of contention regarding the issue.

If you want to see the drama end as much as everyone else, sign the petition to which I'm linking.

The discussion has been important, and the conclusions being reached are essential; still, without 'authorities' making committed statements one way or the other, all of the discussion is as much conjecture as what district court judges wear under their robes.

People in the community can only do so much through discussion and research. Now is the time to ask for authority powers to come together and investigate whether the claims are real. It is the time to discuss whether a VLCD which claims you can eat less without hunger, lose a pound a day and never lift a thigh in exercise is a healthy plan.

Finally, it can put to rest whether or not this is a plan which should be relegated to the annals of fad dieting, along with the cabbage soup diet and the pea diet or not.

And the thought of peace in the low-carb lands is enough to make me raise my sparkling water in celebration.

The Petition.

Wooooo I feeeeeeel gooooooooooooooooooooooooddd

I thought it was the rousing game of Apples to Apples.

Slapping down those cards with aplomb and yelling that, indeed, there is nothing more unloving than an octopus was, in my opinion, an exciting event of grand proportions.

Or maybe it was the company, swapping witty repartee concerning Girl Scouts with 5 o clock shadows clutching a box of cookies with hairy hands saying, "I gotcher thin mints ritchere pal," that was so absolutely entertaining.

We shared humorous anecdotes like teenagers swapping spit behind the bleachers during half time. I was at the top of my game. I was stoked like the effigy on the bonfire, only less scratchy. I was floating ethereally like a fat whisp of milkweed, swiffing in and out of metaphors and anecdotes.

It had to be some pretty good hummus! Chickpeas. Brainfood. Or the Colorado night air.

Then I happened to glance over at the bottle of Diet Sunkist with my super eye dilated powers and realized that in the last hour I'd inhaled about 2 litres of unadulterated caffeinated carbonated heaven in a plastic urn of love. I've been inadvertantly drugged by the joint authority of Dr Pepper/7up, Inc, Plano Texas and Sunkist! Boo! Boo I say! And yet, what light and fruity flavor.

My friend told me, "I think you're funny when you're drunk on caffeine."

"I'm not drunk on caffeine!" I said, and to prove the point, I squinted my dilated pupils and tried not to burp.

"You're so funny! You need more caffeine!"

"No! I know my limits. I can stop anytime I want to," and raised my pinky and sipped daintily. Knowing it a clever thing to always change the topic at strategic moments, I grabbed a plate of crackers. "Honey," (for we all know that food-change discussion works for me on so many levels with my kids), "could you please cut the cheese for our guests?"

That was the wrong thing to say. The room erupted. And not with cheese.

Still, it has been a fun evening, thanks to my friend, the remover of all idiot filter brain functions, the otherwise innocuous Diet Sunkist bottle filled with orange bubbly hope.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go whee.



Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Stay safe, stay sane, and stay decaffeinated after 8pm.

Looking at a weight loss plan? Look for the three S'

Three things to ask yourself when you’re looking at a weight loss plan are:

Is it sane?
Is it safe?
Is it sustainable?

If a plan is ‘sane’, we know you’re not going to be told to go on an all-pea plan, or a plan which is going to make your body ill. If it’s not something you can stick to, and only allows for one type of food group or excludes one or more healthy food groups, be wary. Many plans such as these are fads, but very few people can emulate the success of a plan which is so restrictive. Also, plans which promise absolute success minus exercise are examples of plans to steer clear from.

If a plan is ‘safe’, we know you’re not going to follow a plan which allows for too-few calories by rote. Because the body has specific metabolic needs to function, and because people known to follow fad or crash diet plans have suffered from feelings of weakness, dizziness, hair loss, change in skin color or other physiological changes, it is important to put a weight loss plan to a pragmatic litmus test in order to ensure the plan is not only right for you, but will not harm your body in the process. No plan should promise a loss of more than 2-3 pounds per week. If it does make those claims, run away. If you wouldn't allow your teenaged daughter or son follow this plan, walk away.

If a plan is ‘sustainable’, we know that there is not only a way to keep the weight off, but that the plan is one which can be followed for life for true long-term success. If the plan promises quick weight loss, but fails to provide proof of long-term maintenance, through real success stories, evidence and a maintenance plan which is truly a maintenance plan, it’s just a quick weight loss promise without the muster to keep a person going. Most people who follow plans such as these not only don’t maintain, but they tend to gain the weight back, plus.

While promises of quick weight loss are prevalent in society, and no shortage of people wanting to drop weight, it’s certain that there will be more plans out there to be scrutinized. Because it takes time for governmental agencies to examine claims made by such plans, it is important that as a consumer you take the time and do the research. Ask those very important questions.

Mashed cauliflower and low glycemic-load gravy

For me wee friends out there looking for the recipe, I bring it forth hence. Is a perfect accompanyment to both the Thanksgiving turkey and St Patty's Day. I use frozen cauliflower because nothing says love and not having to hide cauliflower bits like just throwing the bag away.

Mashed cauliflower

2 bags of frozen cauliflower
full-fat sour cream
butter

Boil water. Add frozen cauliflower and cook until flowerettes are tender, between 6-8 minutes. Pour off excess water.

Place half the cauliflower aside if you're trying to steer kids to not ask questions about the potatoes. Cover.

Take the other half of the cauliflower and place in a blender. Add 1/4 cup sour cream and 2 Tbsp butter. Blend, stirring occasionally (remembering to remove any rubbery or fingery items from the container before resuming blade action).

Serve with gravy and set the other cauliflower next to the bowl of mashed. They'll steer away from the cauliflower and grab what they think are the mashed potatoes! *tapping my head* This is because we're smart, and we're sneaky!



Low Glycemic-Load Gravy

2 cups cold water
2 Tbsp bouillion (chicken or beef)
2 Tbsp ThickNThin/Not Starch
2 Tbsp Kitchen Bouquet browning sauce
Salt and pepper to taste

In a saucepan, mix cold water with bouillion, ThickNThin/Not Starch, salt and pepper, and Kitchen Bouquet (if you're going for a darker gravy. I just think darker gravies look prettier, you know).

Bring the mixture to a boil over high heat, stirring occasionally. Bring to a low simmer until the desired thickness is attained.

Place this out with the mashed cauliflower. No one will have any clue it's not gravy with actual flour. It's good stuff!

Why don't you eat normally?

There is a grand assumption on the part of many who don't understand the low-carb lifestyle that we don't eat normally. One mention of "Atkins" and folks picture Michael Moore bathing in a vat of bacon grease, scrubbing under his armpits with a big pork rind loofah.

I have had people question my willful discounting that breads can be healthy and that potatoes are necessity, staplewise.

I've also learned to question them in return.

To some, this is Socratic dialogue. To others, it is a collossal annoyance.

When someone says, "Why don't you eat normally?" I ask them, "What do you perceive as 'normal'?"

They will tell respond to me that there are vegetables 'and other things' (discounting other things as being breads and potaotes).

Knowing that I eat anywhere from 3-7 servings (as per the food pyramid) of vegetables per day while on Atkins, I ask them, "How many servings of vegetables do you eat daily?"

That usually disquiets many, as so few actually do eat vegetables. Hearing that I eat so many is a frustration for those who have been told that vegetables are anathema to the low-carb swiller of all things hamburger.

Discussion then generally follows to mention of dairy (I have dairy), vitamins (I take supplements), exercise (I exercise), and that fats are bad (to which I reply that fats only in conjunction with processed carbohydrates are actually bad. Fat serves a very real purpose of satisfying pleasure sensors in the brain, satisfying hunger, and giving food staying power. Fat also takes an extreme amount of effort to break down to sugar in the bloodstream).

Despite the fact that my 'diet' has consisted constantly of spinach, berries, yogurt, devilled eggs, I am told I need to eat normally.

I look at her Fudgecicle and her Diet Wannaspaz cola.

I don't think I want to be normal.

I'd Swoon, but I'd Leave a Crater

Eating a low-carbohydrate diet is a lot of work, and especially when you have children. You can't eat your kids, so you have to learn to cope with them.

In the interrim, while you're making changes to your lifestyle, you find you're trying to hide the Poptarts so that you don't inhale them (you found out that eating them with the wrappers on didn't mean they had no carbs), or you don't buy them at all, and the kids are having a fit.

Trying to switch them over to eating a lower glycemic load diet overall for their health and changing their tastes in a world filled with carby carbness is a feat in itself. Kids make the most interesting faces. You tell them it's healthy and immediately it's like poison to their sugar-laden bloodstreams.

Give them licorice or give them death!

So I've had to become a geurilla cook. No, not a gorilla. My knuckles don't hang that low, even if my chest does.

I cook merals and make small substitutions without saying a word. Changing Jell-o to sugar-free jell-o? A success! Changing flour to thicknthin/.not starch? A wonderment!

Changing mashed potatoes to mashed cauliflower? Stop the car! The kids are getting out. You don't mess with mashed potatoes. Ever. We're partially Irish, and the kids know that without the potatoes, they may as well be beating the Blarney stone with their heads, for there is no luck of the Irish when the Irish be sufferin' troo caulofloower and noot pootatoos.

I gave it a shot anyway. Why not, right? I made the standard buttermilk biscuits (high-carb, I didn't want a mutiny on my hands tonight), and the gravy with with thicknthin/not starch. I boiled up some frozen cauliflower and threw it in the blender with some full-fat sour cream and butter. I also placed a pan of regular cauliflower to the side.

The kids looked at me and yelled, "WOOHOO! Mashed potaotes!" and they did their Irish jigs. Milk schlopped on the floor, and mugs were raised in a toast to mother, who didn't dare keep their wee lasses and laddies from their mashed poootatooos!

They scooped heaps of the white vegetable, mashed to sour cream perfection on their plates, poured on the gravy and dipped their ever-lovin' biscuits. I asked if they wanted any of the cauliflower in the pan and they all winced. "Why have cauliflower when we can have potatoes!"

Aye! Potatooooooooos!

What they don't know won't kill 'em.

Et tu, Weekend?

Weekends are tough for a lot people.

You find that the usual schedules no longer apply. Your house might be filled with more stressors. There are tasks to be completed, extra people to feed more meals to, and on top of your busy work week, you find weekends anything but restful.

Oftentimes, you find yourself out during meal times. You might nibble more while at home. Maybe exercise goes out the window like Aunt Mahetabel’s cat after she vomited on your favorite pair of shoes.

Weekends just don’t fit our ‘usual’ routine. For many, the weekend is met with an “I worked hard and deserve a little bit of down time” attitude. Well, sure you do! Still, it doesn’t mean your healthful eating has to end up in the flowerbeds with Aunt Rhody’s favorite hat (I’m not telling that story, and you can’t make me).

Here are a few different strategies for different folks, depending on your personality. If you fit more than one profile, don’t worry. Most of us are pretty complex. Well, that’s what my husband tells me, anyway. Well, he tells me I’m complex. Only he uses the term, “Pain in the—“. Anyway!

Routine is your friend. If you’re a person who needs routine in your life, weekends are met with consternation and fraught with anxiety. The schedule of the week with its expected events ends with the onslaught of the 48 hours where chaos reigns supreme. You have people mingling everywhere wanting to eat all the time, and half the time, they’re smuggling contraband into the house in the form of potato chips and chocolate cookies. You can’t exercise at 2pm on Saturday, because where there was peace during the week, there’s a husband looking at you across the paper while you’re watching “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and liking it! There’s no peace in the change. You need order, serenity in the expected, and you need a little peace.

Ways to make peace with your inner spaz: Schedule your weekend as best you can, to keep in following with the week. Don’t react—act! When we find ourselves helpless and frustrated and feeling like we have no control, we’re often medicating frustration and feelings of failure and being overwhelmed with food. You can’t prevent all surprises on the weekend, like the sudden death of a box turtle, but you can be reasonably prepared in advance. The goal is to keep everyone busy, including yourself, but don’t forget to schedule some time for yourself.

You deserve this, by crikey! You have worked hard all week. Your boss’s toupee fell off in your lap, and you had to stifle the urge to say, “Nice kitty!” or swat it on the floor and yell, “Expecto Patronum!” Now it is blessed Friday. Not only are you going to avoid exercise like a bad leisure pantsuit, but you’re going to make sweet happy memories with a quart of Ben and Jerry’s Love Me Lovehandles chocochocomocha. You’re the master (or mistress) of your domain and if you want the cheesy doodles, then pass the napkins, because I’m not leaving orange squidgymarks on the remote control. Hedonism is the call to arms, and your arms are laden with high carb products. This is how you relax, and food does stimulate some of the pleasure sensors in the brain. Nascar? Notsomuch.

Ways to make peace with your innerstressed-out munchmonster: Realizing that life is just a series of annoyances no matter how thin or fit we are makes a huge difference. Even when we’re so fit the UN declared your rear end in a pair of jeans as a Peace Accord unto itself, you’re still going to find that the dog pooped on your favorite sweater, your boss still asks you to call him “Stella” and your kids still think Marilyn Manson is a fashion statement. What you deserve after a long week is relaxation from stress, but not from health. Taking time for yourself should not encompass food but activities you enjoy which don’t relegate themselves to noshing. Exercise is very relaxing, and it needn’t be overwhelming to kick those feelings of calm into gear.

Out and About and On the Town. It’s the weekend and you’re not home. You have errands to run, golf balls to swing into the trees and the patio homes off of the 8th hole. Because you’re not home, you’re going to have to eat, and because it’s easy to eat at Pongo Pete’s Pants Pizza, you’re going to make the exception this time. You’re out, what the heck. So you got for the extra double triple, and before you can say Robert’s your father’s brother, you’re out for dinner, too. You find yourself with a nightlife (and want to boogie) and you’re not making the best choices when it comes to your eating.

Ways to make peace with your inner Zoom Zoom Zoom: Let’s face it. If you know you’re not going to be home, you need to plan ahead. Having an emergency kit or a lunch packed, a bottle of water and comfortable clothes goes a long way when you’re spending your time going from here to there. If you know you’ll be out for lunch, it only takes 5 minutes on your lunch break on a Friday to check out an online menu at the local Sushi Parlor. Take that time. You’re organized, so use those skills to set yourself up for success. Instead of treating yourself to food, treat yourself to fun or to a non-food reward. You deserve it, for all you do. But not the Jaws of Life and certainly not the carb hangover!


Don’t get me more wrong than plaid legwarmers: It’s tough sticking to the weekday schedules and goodness of your weight loss plan and exercise schedule on weekends. Being able to understand how your brain works and what you need to stick to your plan for life makes all the difference for success in the long-term. What makes for Scooby Gang trouble is spending 2/7 of your week undoing all the good you’ve done Monday through Friday.

If you’re tired, sleep. If you’re upset, kick box your stuffed Pink Panther doll. If you’re happy, spend the time counting the blessings. And, of course, of you’re feeling thinner, step on the scale and celebrate how well you’re doing, or write your senator and tell him you have UN-approved rear end, and you’re armed for world peace. Those non-scale victories matter, too.

You’re making changes for life, so be kind to yourself. But not too kind. You’re still trying to undo loving your left thigh with the doughnuts last weekend.

Take a New Look at Monday for Weighing In

I am currently running a mid-year resolution challenge at a board called lowcarbfriends.com, and one of the mandates I have always made when running a challenge is this:

Always weigh in on a Monday.

I hear the collective groans everytime this is mentioned, but I've found that, in general, Monday weigh-ins are beneficial.

People usually prefer Friday weigh-ins. This is because people tend to eat more during the weekend or let their diets or ways of eating slip through their fingers like Sarah Michelle Gellar lets money slip throiugh her fingers in a shoe store.

Friday weigh-ins give the mental go-ahead that the 'famine' people spent all week committing has now ended, and it is time to feast! The problem is, many times, people spend all of the following week fighting just to get back to their previous Friday's weight and are usually dismayed with the initial salt-water retention weight gains.

The entire proposal behind a Monday morning weigh-in is that it really foments that this is a lifestyle change, and not just another diet or way of eating. The brain has been programmed all these years to view weekends as the Festivus of Eating Craptacularly, and, as a result, we find the pounds really go nowhere. To make better choices on weekends, and to learn to cope with the crazy cacophany of events means that we're not sabotaging our efforts every 5-6 days.

Maybe this means you can't plan those pizza pigouts on Fridays any longer to celebrate the end of a work week. That's what I want to hear. There are always venues for celebration which have nothing to do with food as a reward. The hard work and the accomplishment of a difficult task is the reward. Food is merely fuel and should never be the end. After all, look what it did to our ends.

That said, if you are looking for long-term weight loss success, try looking to everyone else's least favorite day of the week and make it your favorite for long-term health and happiness.